1. "Just For Fun"
Posted by Susan on Aug-28th-03 at 2:05 AM

I don't know if any of you have kids, or grandkids, or nieces and nephews that might have this book.  I have a nephew who does and my sister-in-law emailed me this, its pretty funny!  And yes, the book is for real!

Follow the instructions to find your new name.  The following is an
excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous
Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor
forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first
name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half
of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half
of your

new last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

For example, Lizzie Borden would become Zsa-Zsa BubbleNose.  Emma becomes Pinky BubbleNose.  Andrew becomes Gidget BubbleNose.  Abby becomes Lumpy BubbleNose.  Bridget Sullivan becomes Chim-Chim ChickenBrain.  And last, but not least, mine becomes Snotty AppleBrain. 

"Zippy BubbleFanny" at yr service.

That's twisted in a way kids must adore.

Thats great!    Yes, I remember being into weird stuff like this, the odder the better.  I'm curious what other people will come up with?

I remember when I was a kid, a friend & I got silly & had laughs by spelling everyone's name backwards.  For eg, you Susan would be "Nasus".  We used these nicknames for a while.  Of course, I was Anit (sounds like a little bug!).

Re the above...I think Zsa-Zsa is quite apropros for Lizzie (disregarding the multiple husband factor).  Poor Abby...even in this she's "Lumpy"!!!

Good God, I'm "Loopy CootieNose"

Oh, well, I've been called worse.  Even on this forum. 

I'm Pinky Chickenbrain, my 6 year old cousin Abby is
Lumpy Cootiebiscuits. The children of a friend (Crusty Bubblebuns)
are Chin-Chin, Poopsie & Buttercup Bubblebuns.

My twin and I had our own language when we were kids, no one caught on, it was so silly actually!  We would spell words out and use an "UD" at the end, except for vowels, those stayed the same.  My name would be Sud-U-sud-A-nud, you had to say it fast, people were bewildered!

Yes, I love that Lizzie became Zsa-Zsa, even in this she still comes out sounding glamorous.  But, poor Abby.


Kimberly, that is too funny, your poor niece, Lumpy CootieBiscuits! 

This is quite amazing!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng
is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Hvae a gaert wkeened!

Yes, I was ttollay albe to raed it. 

I love that kind of stuff!

I was recently cleaning out my garage.  I found an old box with my things in there from 1980.  There was this test.
I don't have the answers, but I could figure out most of them:

APPTTUDE TEST

1. If you went to bed at 8:00 at night and set the alarm to get up at 9:00 o'clock in the morning, how many hours sleep would this permit you to have?

2. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

3. How many birthdays does the average man have?

4. Why can't a man, living in Winston-Salem, N.C. be buried west of the Mississippi River?

5. If you had only one match, and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood-burning stove, which would you light first?

6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31, how many months have 28 days?

7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills, and told you to take one every half hour how long would they last you?

8. A man builds a house with four sides to it, and it is rectangular in shape.  Each side has a southern exposure.  A big bear comes wandering by.  What color is the bear?

9. How far can a dog run into the woods?

10. What four words appear on every denomination of U.S. coin?

11. (Can't decipher printing.)

12. You have two U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value.  One is not a nickel.  What are the two coins?

13. A farmer had 17 sheep.  All but 9 died.  How many did he have left?

14. Divide 20 by 1/2 and add 10.  What is the answer?

15. Two men are playing checkers.  They played five games and each man wins the same number of games.  How can you figure this?

16. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?

17. An archeologist claimed he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C.  Do you think he did?

18. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents.  The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother.  How come?

19. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?

20. Is it legal in N.C. for a man to marry his widow's sister?

21.  What word is misspelled in this test?

22. Two men work on an ice wagon, the one in front of the ice wagon weighs 175 lbs., what does the man in the back of the wagon weigh?

23. How many 2 cent stamps in a dozen?

7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills, and told you to take one every half hour how long would they last you?

I don't know what the catch is with this question.
I think they would last until they were out of the system?
..........
8. A man builds a house with four sides to it, and it is rectangular in shape.  Each side has a southern exposure.  A big bear comes wandering by.  What color is the bear?

Is this a Polar bear and the 4 sides have southern exposure because it's at the North Pole and everything is South from there?
...........
10. What four words appear on every denomination of U.S. coin?

Is this "In God We Trust" ?
............
14. Divide 20 by 1/2 and add 10.  What is the answer?

50?

1. 13 hours?
2. Yes, they do.  Do they celebrate it like us, I don't think so.
3. About 80?
4. ?
5. Probably the wood burning stove because if you had to you could light the other things off of it once it started burning. 
6. They all have 28 days in them.
7. An hour?
8. Yes, it sounds like the North Pole, so the bear would be a Polar bear and it would be white.
9. Until he is in the woods.
10. In God We Trust
11.
12. A nickel and a 50 cent piece, the 50 cent piece is the one that is not a nickel.
13. 9
14. 20?
15. They are not playing checkers against each other.
16. 2 apples.
17. No, because they wouldn't be marked BC
18. The beggar is the woman's sister.
19. 2
20. No, if it was his widow, he'd be dead.
21. APPTTUDE
22. ice?
23. 12 

3 = One.

4 = Because he's still alive.

5 = You light the match first.

7 = 1/2 hour. Then you have to take another one.

9 = 1/2 way. He's on his way out if any further.

19 - None.  It was Noah.

(Message last edited Sep-17th-03  7:31 AM.)

How about #14?

14 = 50

Convert the fraction (1/2) to a decimal, ie: .5

20 divided by .5 = 40
40 + 10 = 50.

AHA!  I got it in post 12 !  Yea.  And I'm not good at math...maybe I'm better than I thought.
BTW:  I'm still cleaning out my garage.  I expect I'll find Ray in there.

#7 - That was Good, Har!  OOO I was close...

22. Two men work on an ice wagon, the one in front of the ice wagon weighs 175 lbs., what does the man in the back of the wagon weigh?

The man in front of the wagon is not IN the wagon so his weight doesn't matter, right?
But what is the answer to the question about the man in the back of the wagon?
He weighs the rest?  HA!

I think Susan had it right. He weighs the ice.

Some of those brain teasers have been around forever, but, they are still fun, thanks, Kat.  Good answers, Harry, I think it may have been too late in the evening for me when I took this. 

To the contrary Susan, you did great.  I wouldn't even think of trying it after one in the morning.

Thanks, Harry.  I gave it the ol' college try.  I felt like Lizzie at her Inquest, some of the questions I had difficulty answering them because I don't know just how they are meant. 

Oh the ice-answer was grand, Susan!  I didn't get what you meant.  I probably got as many as you, just different ones, isn't that odd?  And I am at my best around 1 or 2 a.m.
I think it was heroic of you to answer all of them.
I'm glad we have the answers now, we have the whole thing.

I just realized we have not settled on an answer for #1.
I think it is 1 hour.
I know if I set my alarm for 9, when going to bed at 8, it will ring in one hour, because it has not a 13 hr. cycle.
In fact with my clock I can't set it within 1/2 an hour either side of the hour I want 12 hours later.

I guess I'm thinking in the digital age, when you set the clock for 9:00 AM, thats when it goes off.  I guess some of those questions have been around for awhile. 

all of a sudden I feel old!

Oh no, it wasn't meant in that way!  I've experienced them before, my parents used to have those fold-up travel alarm clocks that were like that.  Its just when I got to the point to be responsible for myself and get an alarm clock they were already those digital display ones with AM or PM settings.  My new alarm clock is fun, you can go to bed to the sounds of a country stream, or the ocean, or rain forest.  You can wake up to the sounds of trumpeting elephants and such, its a trip! 

Well, I've never had a digital clock so that was an awakening 
that that hadn't occurred to me!

(Message last edited Sep-18th-03  8:01 PM.)

An analog clock (wind-up) will go off in an hour; 12 hour schedule.
But digital clock can be set for am or pm. The answer from 40+ years ago is no longer true.

I abhor ticking wind-up clocks so I use an electric one.  But yes thank you, Susan sort of explained this to me.

I had written this on the back of the "APPTTUDE TEST", my own zentest:

1. There are two hairs on the head of a frog.  One is red, the other green.
What was the frog's name?

2. Take 15 cents from the kid down the street.  Add 5 cents you found in the parking lot.  Subtract 10 cents you spent on a pay toilet.  Divide by your age.  What is the answer in Roman Numerals?

3. There is a room with one sofa, three chairs, one T.V. set, four plants, two windows and a table.
                                 A. In what city is the room?
                                 B. What colour is the carpet?
                                 C. Half-way?

4. Patty went to the Library and took back 2 books, checking out 5.  Debbie went also and took back 8 books, checking out 10.  Lisa went and returned 5 books, checking out 4.  Her friend, Kelly, took back 6 books, checking out 8.
How many books are in the Library?

KK c.1980

Here's a teaser that makes you think.

Can you rearrange the letters of new door to make one word?

Is the answer "yes"?

i.e. "one word" contains all the same letters as "new door"

Can you name 4 days that start with the letter "T"? 

Excellent Tina-Kate!  You get a gold star.

How about today, tomorrow, Tuesday, and Thursday?

3rd, 13th, 30th & 31st

OR

Tues, Thurs, Thanksgiving & Tina's Birthday

Wow you guys are amazing!
That was Fun...thanks!

Hey haulover!
I was just watching Karen Sisco and she visited a place called Haulover Marina!
You might like that show.  It's set in South Florida.

Ding, ding, ding!  You got it Diana, you win the Kewpie doll!  Do you have a brain teaser question for us or should I pull up another one? 

Yea!!!  I'm a winner!  Unfortunately the technician is unhooking my computer as I speak -- so I'll be incommunicado until Tuesday.  Going to hate that!  Don't talk about anything interesting while I'm gone.

Good luck! We'll miss you.

I kinda think the case will still be unsolved when you come back. 

Ugh, I know the feeling!  I was without my computer for a day,  something went haywire and I was ready to tear my hair out! 
We'll keep the Borden home fires burning for you!

(Message last edited Oct-2nd-03  8:53 PM.)

Airline Humor

Gripe Sheet Humor

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the
aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The
mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was
taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next
flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a  sense of humor.   Here are some actual logged
maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By
the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
     per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
     serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
   a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Thats good!  I think Qantas is the only airline I've never flown, figures. 

We must be related! I'm Zippy Applebrain! Hi there, Cousin!

I'm so late in the game with this, but no one seemed to have an answer for #3: How many birthdays does the average man have?
  My answer is: On average, one a year.

Ah, another long lost AppleBrain relative.  Should we do the Grand Tour together? 

That answer sounds about right, Benjamin.  Better late than never. 

I thought the answer was one.  You can only be born once. After that it's a just a celebration of your birthday.

I've given up even the celebrating! 

Aw come on Har!  Stef and I sent you dinner and a movie!
We celebrated, if you didn't! 

Ah, logic, that does sound like it may be the answer, wish we had the original answers just to check them all. 

Again, it depends on the meaning of the word. It can mean different things. Usually the anniversary of your birth date. Or the one day of your birth.
Are lawyers skilled in making up questions that have more than one answer? To then contradict any statement by the witness?

Heres a fun thing to do, check your compatibility with Lizzie.  Its a site that checks Lizzie's biorythms against yours, I scored an 86%, which either means we could have been friends or I'm pretty damn close to being like her! 

http://www.facade.com/biorhythm/relationship/?Celeb=Lizzie_Borden&Celeb2=Jane_Seymour

Sorry I didn't go there.  I'm careful sometimes of cookies.
Maybe Kimberly will try it.
..................
Wanda Sykes was on Leno earlier in the week.
He asked her what she thought about the California election.
She said (and I paraphrase):

Do you know 10,000 people voted for Gary Coleman?  That's sick!  I mean what's with these people?  They say:  I'm going down there and vote for Gary Coleman?  These people don't have no cars, I mean these people take the bus!.  These 10,000 people go take the trouble to get on the BUS!  They get on the bus and they go down there and they VOTE for Gary Coleman!  I mean, what's wrong with that?  They should have that voting booth set up with a trap door and when they yank that handle down to vote for Gary Coleman that trapdoor opens up and they just fall & fall.  Hell, we don't need people like that!  Voting for Gary Coleman... 

(Message last edited Oct-16th-03  1:35 AM.)

I know!  And now we have Arnold for govenor.  Grocery store workers on are on strike and the truck drivers that deliver the food are planning on backing them up.  Think theres any room in Florida for another Bordenite? 

Was that name "Wanda Sicko"?

I heard Gary Coleman being interviewed on the Sean Hannity show. Gary sounded good, but no match for the slick host. Sean challenged Gary to "prove" that our involvement in Iraq was for oil!!! Maybe he has a lot of friends and relatives in Calif? At least he CAN run for President (ha ha).

The best candidate on Sean's show was Jerry Springer; he held his own against Sean's rhetoric, and then some. But Jerry is a lawyer, and has plenty of experience with conflicting interests. Jerry was once a mayor too.

Calif elected show business personalities like George Murphy Senator, and Ronald Reagan Governor. Before that is was actess Helen Gahagan Douglas (one term). Here in the east we had Senators Bill Bradley sorts, and Pat Moynihan writer. Replaced by rich millionaires who bought their seats, or as a pay-off.

Thanks Susan. My overall was just 32%, with the highest being emotional at 55%.  Thank goodness!  No hatchets for me.

I had some fun with the chart and plugged in the birthdates of the major characters in this drama.  These were the overall results:

Andrew - 88%, Emma - 73%, Abby - 69%, Morse - 55%, Hilliard - 96%,
Fleet - 36%, Medley - 48%

And just for the heck of it I plugged in August 4, 1892 and got this result:

Physical - 88%, Emotional - 100%, and intellectual - 45% and an overall rating of 78%.

(Message last edited Oct-21st-03  12:03 PM.)

Thats cool, I didn't even think to do that myself!  Wow, I guess we can see why your drawn to the Borden murders.  I need to check that one myself and see what my overall score is. 

Submitted By Augusta

(Message last edited Oct-22nd-03  1:35 AM.)

Oh, that Pooh puppy is just adorable!  That so makes me want to have a dog again. 

Tootie Applemouth at your service

Hi Kash, er, Tootie!  Long time no see.  Hope to see you around the forum more, you're missed. 

Submitted by a member.
Sounds like George Carlin....

Subject: English Language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that:

- quicksand can work slowly,
- boxing rings are square and
- a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig,
- writers write but fingers don't fing, and
- grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people:

- recite at a play and play a recital
- ship by truck and send cargo by ship, and
- have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:

- your house can burn up as it burns down,
- you fill in a form by filling it out, and
- an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers. It reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And finally, why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?




(Message last edited Oct-26th-03  2:26 AM.)

Because one is a name, the other an adjective. But most of all, that's the way people pronounce it.

The problem w/ English (America?) is the orthography. Other languages like Italian etc. are written the way they are pronounce. Prior to the 19th century English spelling was "all rite". The emphasis on orthography was the reason for spelling bees.

So what about languages like Hebrew or Arabic?
...
Actually, many can speak English just like other languages. Its the spelling that trips up many, even those bourne (sic) in this country.

(Message last edited Oct-26th-03  1:22 PM.)

So gee, did you get a chuckle? 

Only those who know binary will get this joke:

"There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand
binary, and those that don't."

Hey Harry, don't feel bad. I just became Loopy CootieSniffer.  

I don't know if I know *binary* (other than it is 2 numbers, 1 and 0), but I got that joke and I liked it!  Thanks.

As some of you may be aware, Arnold Schwartzanegger was sworn in as Governor of California two weeks ago, hence the following which was emailed to me:

Subject: New Spelling System... Cali-fornia Style



New Spelling System
  The  New  California Governor  has  just  announced  an  agreement  whereby English  will  be  the  official  language  of  the  state, rather  than  German,  which   was  the  other  possibility.

  As  part  of  the  negotiations,  The  Terminator's  Government conceded  that  English  spelling  had  some  room  for improvement  and  has  accepted  a  5-year   phase-in  plan that  would  become  known  as  "Austro-English"  (or,  perhaps even  better,  "Austrionics".)

  In  the  first  year,  "s"  will  replace  the  soft  "c".  Sertainly,  this  will  make  the  sivil  servants  jump  with joy.   The  hard  "c"  will  be  dropped  in  favour  of  the   "k".   This  should  klear  up  konfusion,  and  keyboards  kan have  one  less  letter.
 

There  will  be  growing  publik  enthusiasm  in  the  sekond  year when  the  troublesome  "ph"  will  be  replaced  with  the "f".   This  will  make  words  like   fotograf  20%  shorter.

  In  the  3rd  year,  publik  akseptanse  of  the  new  spelling kan  be  expekted  to  reach  the  stage  where  more komplikated  changes  are  possible.

  Governments  will  enkourage  the  removal  of  double  letters which  have  always  ben  a  deterent  to  akurate  speling.  Also,  al  wil  agre  that  the  horibl  mes   of  the  silent "e"  in  the  languag  is  disgrasful  and  it  should  go away.

  By  the  4th  yer  peopl  wil  be  reseptiv  to  steps  such  as replasing  "th"  with  "z"  and  "w"  with  "v".

  During  ze  fifz  yer,  ze  unesesary  "o"  kan  be  dropd  from vords  kontaining  "ou"  and  after  ziz  fifz  yer,  ve  vil hav  a  reil  sensibl  riten  styl.

  Zer  vil  be  no  mor  trubl  or  difikultis  and  evrivun  vil find  it  ezi  tu  understand  ech  oza.   Ze  drem  of  a united  urop  vil  finali  kum  tru.

  If  zis  mad  yu  smil,  pleas  pas  it  on  to  oza  pepl.

Yes Kat, binary uses only two digits 0 and 1.  Computers convert everything to binary.

In this joke the number 10 in binary is equal to 2 in decimal. Thus "There are only 2 kinds of people...."

Corny, but cute.

Yuck Mark H., don't sniff too many of those critters!

Makz perfek sens to me!

Thats funny, but, since I live here in California I don't if I should laugh just yet!  Our old govenor has already made fun of Arnie for how he pronounces California.  But hey, we've already had an actor for a president and we are still here, lets hope that we (I) can survive this. 

And THANKS to that actor we had for president one hell of a lot better off.  And I wasn't for Arnie.