"Osama Humor"
http://praiseallah.mondominishows.com
check this out for a laugh and a half.
"You Know You are Old When
. . . ."
Another cute message from my friend John. I thought a good
chuckle was in order!
You know you are old when . . . . .
Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning
against the wrong wall.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.
You look forward to a dull evening
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago
today."
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106
around the golf course.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the
medicine cabinet.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic
reasons.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you get
excited.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
"New Afghanastan cities"
Now that our B-52's have reorganized Afghanistan's landscape,
U.S. intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed
some of their towns in order to more accurately describe
their current condition.
1. Wherz-myroof
2. Mykamel-izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
10. Imma-Dedshmuck
"PUN FUN"
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The
second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that
you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He
slides (or perhaps "sidles") up to the bar and
announces: "I'm
looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out
of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
6. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other
goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
7. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist
across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked
the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So,
the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they
didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and
with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him
....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
9. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns
would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten
did.
"What we can learn from Noah's
Ark"
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's
Ark:
-One: Don't miss the boat.
-Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
-Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the
Ark.
-Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
-Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job
that needs to be done.
-Six: Build your future on high ground.
-Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
-Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were
on board with the cheetahs.
-Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
-Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic,
by professionals.
"He Said, She Said"
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs,
don't you?
9) She said... What do you
mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault,
I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted
to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... Two inches more, and I would be king.
She said... Two inches less, and you'd be queen.
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I
do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said... "That's a good idea, you stand
by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
4) Priest said... I don't think you will ever find another
man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight
She said... Okay, but if you get home before
I do, leave the hallway light on.
AND THE NUMBER 1 "He said, She said"
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
"Husband Wanted"
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to
get married. She decided to put an ad in the local
paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age
group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and
must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in
person."
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay
she opened the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting
in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically,
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around
on you!"
She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you
still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I
rang the doorbell didn't I?"
"Omni"
Winning entries from a contest sponsored by Omni magazine
for new scientific theories.
4th Runner-Up
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skaters rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the
Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up
The Why Yawning Is Contagious Theory: You yawn to equalize
the pressure on your eardrums.! This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other peoples ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works
in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely
constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area,
they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah,
the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh
his car and invest in erl wells.
and...
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and
when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast
to the back of a cat! . When dropped, the two will hover,
spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity.
A buttered-cat array could replace pneumatic tires on cars
and trucks, and giant buttered-cat arrays could easily allow
a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.
"The Power of Women"
A friend emailed me this one. It is priceless.
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down
from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person
should get off because if they didn't the rope would break
and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave
a really touching speech saying how she would give up her
life to save the others, because women were used to giving
up things for their husbands and children, giving in to
men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Never underestimate the power of a Woman.
"How To Keep A Healthy Level
Of Insanity"
Somebody sent this to me a few weeks ago. Thought I'd share
it with you now. I have actually done three of them
myself (before I read this list)--but I won't tell you which
ones!
1. At
lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself
over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time
someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4. Put your garbage
can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf
in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo
field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all
your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use
any punctuation marks
9. As often as
possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what
sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your
drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the
opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital
and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting
around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all
day.
15. Five days in advance,
tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're
not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers
address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes
out the ATM, scream, “I won! I won! 3rd time this
week!”
18. When leaving the
zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "run
for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children
over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go."
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