1. "Hey bob G!"
Posted by Stefani on Aug-4th-02 at 10:06 PM

Dear bob G,

Can you email me please? I think the email address I have for you is your work address and  you are laid up right now so not reading that email. Is that right?

koorey@lizzieandrewborden.com

The current Wall St. lexicon follows....


BULL MARKET-A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET-A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no ... 


MOMENTUM INVESTING-The fine art of buying high and selling low.


VALUE INVESTING-The art of buying low and selling lower. 


P/E RATIO-The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER-What my broker has made me.


"BUY, BUY"-A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.


STANDARD & POOR-Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST-Idiot who just downgraded your stock. 


STOCK SPLIT-When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


FINANCIAL PLANNER-A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. 


MARKET CORRECTION-The day after you buy stocks. 


CASH FLOW-The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO-What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.



WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR-Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT-Religious guy who talks to God.

Stefani,

  I had a telephone call from Bob last night.  He is in the hospital and will undergo surgery this morning.

  I'm certain we all wish him a speedy recovery. A prayer or two couldn't hurt, either.

  He cannot access his emails from work while he is recuperating at home.

Wow!  I had no idea this was that serious?!  Well, Bob G. will be in my thoughts and prayers, wishing him speedy recovery! 

Wow, best wishes to Bob.  I'm sure we all hope he's feeling better soon...

Get Well Jokes For Bob
To ponder .....

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is John, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Oh, dear!  I have a feeling Bob won't be reading these messages right away, but I'm sure we're all pulling for him.  Hope you'll soon feel all better, Bob!

I heard some very heartening information on the new surgery for herniated discs available which sounds like a miracle. 
Good Luck Bob.  Speedy recovery!  Hope laughter helps!

Hey gals & guys!  Your support and wishes make my sore back feel MUCH better!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I had the disc reduction Monday afternoon, spent a painful and restless night at Roosevelt Hospital (great people there, though!), and got home yesterday (as we were supposed to go to the Cape this month, Jay is off, which is a break for me).  My home e-mail address is bgutowski@nyc.rr.com!

Lizzie media news!  While I was in the recovery room, Jay told me that the company that handles the home video productions of The Dance Theater of Harlem has finally released their production of FALL RIVER LEGEND, taped in Europe a few years ago, on DVD.  Though this is not the best interpretation I've ever seen, it's a must have, with the luminous Virginia Johnson as "The Accused."  

Bob, I'm totally amazed yr able to do internet right after disc surgery!  Good for you, but don't overdo it...rest up well!

You Know You Are A Bordenite When Your Partner Gives You *Lizzie News* IN The RECOVERY ROOM!!!!!!

(More like The KING of the Bordenites!)

Thanks so much for writing!

"WEIRD FACTS" :

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Have I ever been able to rhyme something with "month?"
Not even "oneth!"

Thanks for all your support.  It's heartening to know you're all there, just at the touch of a keyboard.  I'm not returning to work Monday, as I'd hoped, but I will be seeing the surgeon Tuesday for a follow-up exam.  I'm getting better, slowly but surely.

"The King of the Bordenites!"  Maybe momentarily! ;]

Love,
BG

Yay!  Welcome back, Bob G.!!!!  Don't push yourself, get some R and R! 

COLLEGE CLASS OF 2005

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were pre-pubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me,I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Feeling old Yet? There's more:


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands...

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies......

Can't wait to hear your sage comments on the strange case of "you-know-who."

Hurry up, get well, write often.
Bill

(Message last edited Aug-10th-02  9:26 AM.)

Glad to see you're doing better Bob.

Hope the doctor's name wasn't Dolan, Bowen, Draper, Chagnon, Cheever, etc.

Your doctor also wasn't that surgeon that left the operating room to deposit his paycheck was he? The guy was doing spine surgery on some patient. The same day as you. Oooh. I hope not!

Was THAT why I was on the table so long?

Nah, I read about that yesterday - not MY surgeon!

Don't get up and busy TOO soon...you know WHAT THAT MEANS when you do.....

Subject: George Carlin Strikes again

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each Other in the liquor store or at
Hooters

6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread  to begin with?

15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.

22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?

23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.

26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Hey, Kat.  That cracked me up big time.  I needed that!
Thanks,
Joe

What's Your Southern Sign?
Ha!



OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.  Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.  Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

You're the type that spends! a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you
over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living! room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them.  Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.
As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?  Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a
charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vineof life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.

This has been such a lot of needed fun!  The good news is that I'm headed back to work Monday, as my surgeon thinks, despite the healing inflamed nerves, that I'm doing quite well - the strength I was losing in my right leg has come back.  My own Lizzie, my calico girl cat, just walked up to me and gave me a questioning "whrrrr?"  She likes it when we're on the computer at home. 

Aha!  This explains a lot!  So, I'm actually a Grits, and not a Virgo at all.  I already have a teeshirt that says, "GRITS (Girls Raised In The South)."  Thank Heaven I'm not a Collard, because I hate those slimy things.  Have never tried chitlin's, although I did once have a Chinese version.  They tasted like hairy rubber bands.  Ummmm...ummm...good!

Yikes, I'm a catfish and I've never eaten one before!  I guess this is a case of I am what I haven't eaten! 

  Since Al Gore has no real job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe.

  While touring, he is invited to tea with the Queen.  He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
 
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr.  Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your  mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.  Who is it?  Tony Blair responds immediately,

"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen.  She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am.  Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test.  He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me?"

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.   Who is it?"

  Clinton hems and  haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"  Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. 

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but noboby can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem.  "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.  Who is it?"  Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much  relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims. "I know the answer Al!  I know who it is!  It's Colin Powell!
And Gore replies in disgust, "You're wrong, it's Tony Blair."

HOW YOU CAN TELL IF YOUR CAT IS MALE

(Message last edited Aug-21st-02  9:15 AM.)

Photos sent to me en mass.
Never checked the original site.
Learned me a lesson.
Do not imply any offense as to anyone else.

(Message last edited Aug-21st-02  9:14 AM.)

When I had claimed Bob G. "had seen these" it merely alluded to the fact that 4 intact set of cat photo's had been sent to him by e-mail, under title, "Cats In Funny Places."

Please Pardon from anyone who was exposed inadvertantly to the originating site...

(Message last edited Aug-21st-02  9:35 AM.)

(Message last edited Aug-21st-02  9:09 AM.)

...took a picture of me watching DARK SHADOWS on the couch with a beer while I was home, hmm?

Hey, y'all!  Third day back at work, sore as a dog, but life goes on.  I'm seeing the physical therapist next week.  May I say I LOVE morphing Andrew's face?  I've actually been able to make him smile quite convincingly - and then I reset and do the morph equivalent of the events of August 4th.  I also got a big kick out of the cartoon of that murderous moo-er, Elsie Borden.

Thanks again for all your support while I was convalescing!

Submitted By One Of Our Members

YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT A CUP OF COFFEE THE SAME WAY AGAIN...........

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, how things were so hard for her. She didn't know how she was going to make it, and she wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one of her problems was solved, a new one popped up.

Her mother took her into her kitchen, where she filled three pots with water. In the first pot, she placed some carrots, in the second one, she placed some
eggs, and in the third pot, she placed some ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil without saying a word, then in about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners.

She fished out the carrots and placed them into a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them into another bowl, then she ladled the coffee into yet another bowl. Turning to her complaining daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you
see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," her daughter replied.

She brought her daughter closer, and asked her to feel the carrots. She did, and noticed that they were now soft. She told her daughter to break an egg, which she did, and after removing the shell, she saw that the egg was now hard-boiled.
Finally, she told her daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted the rich flavor, then asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of the three objects had faced the very same adversity, -- boiling water, -- but each had reacted differently:

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened, and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its its insides became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water!

"Now, which are you?" she asked her daughter, "when adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of it like this.......Which am I? Am I a carrot that appears to be strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt, and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I an egg, that starts out with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?

Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter, and tough, with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually CHANGES THE WATER!! The very circumstance that brings the pain!! When the water gets hot, it releases its fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better......and change the situation around you! When the hours are the darkest, and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to the next level?

How do you handle adversity?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?


(Message last edited Aug-24th-02  5:26 AM.)

Well, I'm a TEA drinker, actually...

Great post, with a lot to think about!

Seems TEA would be fitting, also!

Maybe you could print that out and hand it to clients when they get "down", which I'm sure they do, occaisionally.

Believe it or not, that was submitted by a pretty young girl who is a Wiccan. 

The spells are next.
They remind me of early Yoko Ono performance art...

Favorite Spells Joke

The next time someone e-mails you asking for your best spells, send them

this...


  Spell to Get Thee Into a Mental Ward

  1. Take of your clothes- this is a "skyclad" ritual.

  2. Run out in the middle of the street.

  3. Say the following chant:(to the tune of the "ABC"

  song, or "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" "A B THREE D E

  F C, U me W next why oh gee up above the street so

  high like a lollipop could fly now I know my sticky

  bees Next time won't you spackle me!"

  4. Wait on the roof of someone's car.

  5. They're coming to take you away, HAHA!



         Spell to Get Measles

  1. Find someone who has measles.

  2. Lick them.



         Magickal Rite of the Anteater

  1. Catch an anteater

  2. Watch it closely

  3. Eat what it eats (that's right, ants, stupid)

  4. Imitate it.

  5. ZAP!!!!!!! YOU NOW BECOME THE ANTEATER!



        Spell to Turn Day Into Night

  1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.

  2) Close eyes tightly.

  3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as

  you can.



         Spell to Fly



  (It is very important to follow these instructions in

  the order they are given!)

  1) Go to the top of a large cliff.

  2) Jump off.

  3) Flap arms REALLY fast.

  4) Check and make sure you brought a parachute in case

  of emergency.



         Spell to Make Friends With A Bear

  1) Find a sleeping bear.

  2) Poke it with a stick.

  3) When it opens it's eyes, put your thumbs in your

  ears, stick out your tongue and say "Nanananabooboo!"



         Spell to Breathe Under-Water

  1) Attach concrete block to your feet.

  2) Jump into water.

  3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".

  4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.



          Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants

  1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.

  2) Drink.

  3) Repeat steps 1-3.(This spell is for humorous intent

  only. If you have a real problem with alcohol, please

  do not try this.)



         Spell to Attract Lightning

  1) Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf

  clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hubcaps. etc.

  2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV

  antenna high in the air.

  3) Wait.



         Spell to Control Others

  1) Walk into the middle of a large group of people.

  2) Yawn.



         A Spell to Make Time Fly

  1. Take your clock outside.

  2. Hold the clock like a Frisbee.

  3. Spin in a circle three times, then release the

  clock.

  4. Watch time fly! Wasn't that fun!



         Spell to Stop a Runny Nose

  1. Get two cotton balls.

  2. Shove one up each nostril.

  3. Tape them there.



         Spell to Make a Person Fall in Love with You

  1. Call person at least thirty times a day.

  2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.

  3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e.-roses without

  petals, a nice headless Barbie doll..).

  4. Follow them everywhere they go... careful, they'll

  try to lose you!

  5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining

  order ... that means the spell is working!



         Spell to Avoid Prison



  1. Find a name you like (other than your own -

  obituaries are good places to look).

  2. Move to a new city.

  3. Repeat spell if police find you in your new town.



         A Spell for New Jewelry and a New Home

  1. Take a $20 bill.

  2. Photo copy both sides with a good color printer.

  3. Make a few hundred copies.

  4. Deposit the "new" money at any fine bank.

  5. Wait for the security guard to bring you your new

  bracelets!

  6. Then he will take you to your new home!



         Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

  1. Open Window.

  2. Throw Computer out window.

  (If computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)



         Spell to Save on Gas

  1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.

  2. Remove shoes.

  3. While still seated, pedal feet really, really fast.

  4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"

  Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!



          Spell to Become Thin

  1. Get lots of food.

  2. Stare at it.



   Spell to Get Rid of Visitors

  1. One hour before they arrive eat a large bowl of red

  beans and rice.

  2. Let the good times roll.



         A Spell to Go to the Bathroom

  1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.

  2) Drink another glass anyway.

  3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of pop.

  4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the

  spell's effect.



         Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom

  1. Eat a bushel of prunes.

  2. Take a dose of Exlax.

  3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!



         How to Become Shorter

  This requires that you enlist the aid of a friend.

  1. Give your friend the sharp axe.

  2. Lay down.

  3. Have friend cut off feet at the ankles. If that

  doesn't make you short enough, go to step four.

  4. Have friend use a chain saw to remove the top of

  your head.



  WARNING: These spells are meant solely for humor.

  Please do NOT attempt ANY of these spells! [Chances

  are, they WILL work, but their results will be less

  than desirable.]

FALL RIVER LOVE POEM
[The names have been changed--well, why not?]
* * * * * *

Lizzie Andrew fell in love, she planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all, she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her Lizzie gal, you'll have to find another
I love him Pappy. Then he said - but Joe is your half-brother.

So Lizzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this, he said, there's trouble still.

Then Pappy begged his Lizzie gal, please don't tell your Mother
Cause Will and Joe and several more, I know is your half brother.

But Mamma knew and softly said, child do what makes you happy
Marry Will or marry Joe, you ain't no kin to Pappy.

D.U.I. Test !!!!

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over
on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri
state line. When the Deputy asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver answered that
he was a magician and a juggler and he was
on his way to Branson to do a show that night
and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated
by juggling, and if the driver would do a little
juggling for him that he wouldn't give him
a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all
of his equipment on ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares
in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he
could juggle them. The juggler stated that he
could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them
and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act,
a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk
got out and watched the performance briefly,
he then went over to the squad car, opened the
rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went
over to his squad car, opened the door and
asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass
on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

15 Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your
Spouse/Partner/Significant Other Is Taking His/Her
Sweet Time:


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in
peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off
at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the
rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone, 'Code 3 in house wares,'...and see what
happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they
bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to
cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?


9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a
mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask
the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look
using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse
through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker
assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's
those voices again.'

and last but not least,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly
..'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'

"As we get older and need the medical attention it becomes very
frightening to trust your health to people like this..."


ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS

1.  She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2.  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3.  On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4.  The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
5.  The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6.  Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7.  Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8.  The patient refused autopsy.
9.  The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10.  Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.  Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13.  She is numb from her toes down.
14.  While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15.  The skin was moist and dry.
16.  Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18.  Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19.  She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20.  I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21.  The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22.  The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a jobas a stock broker instead.
23.  Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24.  The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.  Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Kat, remind me never to be operated on in that hospital! 

I do not approve of this "humor". Is it the actual scrawled writing, or as transcribed by a clerk? Just shorthand information?

Don't we have anything better to do?

Do not confuse a hospital (a building) with some of the doctors practicing there!!! Or mistake transcribed comments with the original writings.

You won't believe where that last list of humor came from!
I have a friend, my tax guy, who works in administration at a huge local hospital.  That humerous post was an e-mail passed around several departments in this MAjor Hospital.
It is not necessarily ORIGINATING from there...but the Experts seemed to find it extremely amusing!

That wa HILARIOUS Kat.  Thanks for bringing it to the forum.

OOPS!  I'm sorry.  I made a mistake.  The Hospital Humor came from Houston, NoT my Admin. guy...but I'm forwarding it to him right now!!

(Message last edited Sep-7th-02  12:57 AM.)