1. "A Joke From An Absent Friend"
Posted by Kat on Jul-25th-02 at 3:56 AM

Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital...
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

Good stuff, Kat! 

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.  She said, "Hello,darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients.  But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse.  I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Y !"

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual
request....What is the patient's name and room number ?"

She said, "Yes, darling!  I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel, Finkel.  Let me see.  Feinberg, Farber, Finkel.  Oh, yes.  Mrs.  Finkel is doing very well.  In fact, she's had two full
meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr.Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank Goodness!  That's wonderful!  Oh, thank goodness!   Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours you say.  Oh!  That's fantastic, darling! And she's being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock!  I'm so happy to hear that!   That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "What close family or friend?  I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!  Cohen my doctor tells me nothing."

For all who are feeling a little older and missing those great old
tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.


Some examples:


Hermans Hermits --"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones -- "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon -- "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations -- "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy SInatra -- "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA -- "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles -- "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who -- "Talkin' Bout My Medication

Speaking of infirmities, I've been home since LAST Monday with, I think, a herniated disc.  I had an MRI last night, and will soon know more. 

OH, dear God/dess!  Poor guy, hope you have lot's of  medication  for pain!
I won't ask what you've been doing, but I sure have thought of you often, lately.  Good Luck!

I don't know what this cartoon means, but I enjoyed it...
OOPS!  Storms...gotta go...

(Message last edited Jul-30th-02  7:46 PM.)

THINGS YOU WOUDN'T KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES:

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition
-even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are
visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh -snicker, snicker!!)).

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
-unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Kat, where do you get this stuff, its great! 

I get it from somebody who gets it from somebody who gets it from somebody.  Two of the somebody's in that chain are Harry and Stef (with an absent friend...)

Oh, gosh!  I forgot to say that sometimes I get them from my TAX GUY!  Can't leave HIM out!

(Message last edited Jul-31st-02  2:55 AM.)

Well, thanks to all for brightening my days and nights with a smile and a laugh! 

Oh, I love those!  There use to be a site called The Curmudgeon's Guide to Movies where he'd talk about each of them as if each was a theorem.

Don't forget that a fruit stand on a street will always be a target for a collision, and that the hero will always be startled by a noise in a dark alley, which will turn out to be a cat!

I'm seeing a specialist tomorrow (my GP pulled some strings) to deal with what, I've been told, is a big herniated central disc.  The irony is, I really like my job and wish I could've been there these last weeks!

Thanks for the support!

There's one I always yell at the screen (you can't take me anywhere!):  That if a person is running really fast down the street, or a car is speeding laying wheels...IT'S BOUND TO BE BEING CHASED BY SOMETHING!   For God/dess' SAKE!  Don't step out and GAWK!  Stand Back!  Something Else Is Coming!  For Sure!

Bob:  What can they possibly do for you?  You're not talking sugery, yet, are you?
Don't you have 2 bosses born on Lizzie's birthday?  Did all this happen around then?

Hope all is going well, Bob!

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Love it!  Geez...I just realized it applies to my KIDS, as well as me.  How depressing!

OH!  Don't be depressed!  It's better than the alternative!

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- A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
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- THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
- MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
- MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton; introduction by Jessie Jackson

MAJOR GROANS:

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your
count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

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14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen door and strained himself.