1. "joke for you"
Posted by Stefani on Mar-5th-02 at 10:28 AM

From John:

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep.  The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says:

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you  could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says: "I have a better idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK! Awesome!"

The woman says "Good...Get your own blanket!"

APHORISMS FOR THE DAY

a. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

b. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

c. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

d. On the other hand you have different fingers.

e. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

f. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

g. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

h. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

i. Those who live by the sword..get shot by those who don't.

j. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

k. He's not dead..he's electroencephalographically challenged.

l. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

m. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

n. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

o. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?

p. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

q. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

r. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

s. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

t. You can't have everything....where would you put it?

u. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.

v. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things
left by those who got there first.

w. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.

x. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.

y. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

z. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

aa. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak!

Very good, Stef and Kat!  Nice way to start the day with a laugh! 

A Joke From Stef
By- -ANON:

They have finally found a  diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!
I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder...)
This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car;  I start toward the garage and notice
the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first
I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the
desk, discard the  junk mail and I notice the trash can is full.

Ok,  I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash out,
but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay
these few bills  first.  Now, where is my checkbook? Oops,
there's only one check left.  My extra checks are in my desk.
Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm  going to look for
those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from
the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it
cold for awhile.

I head  towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they
need some water. I  set the coke on the counter and uh oh!
There are my glasses. I  was looking for them all morning! I'd
better put them away  first. I fill a container with water and
head for the flower pots Aaaaaagh!  Someone left the TV remote
in the kitchen. We'll never  think to look in the kitchen
tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it
back in the family room where it  belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto  the floor, I throw
the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down
the hall trying to figure out what it was I  was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the  bills are unpaid, the
Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half
watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I
can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm
baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!  I realize
this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think
I'll check my e-mail...


--Dear Folks, This is NOT me.  Why... everyone knows I don't drink Coke!     

(Message last edited Jul-5th-02  5:37 AM.)

Wow!  Kat, how did you know so much about me?  You've never even been in my house!  No, wait!  It couldn't be moi...I don't drink Coke either.  Make that a glass of sangria.  (That may explain a few things.)

Oh!  You are a JOY, Edisto!!!!!

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every
single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to
come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When
my health started failing, you were still by my side. You
know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Thats so funny and horrible all at the same time! 

Career Choices and Alternate Definitions

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks
the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane
because that decreases the chances that there will be another
bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't
know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room, looking
for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference
between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and
calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a person who watches everyone else when
a beautiful woman enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think
she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist
and tells you the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a Washington Post contest, readers were asked to supply
alternate meanings for various words.  Here are some of the
winners:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
10. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.
11. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of
boxershorts.
12. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die
your soul goes on the roof and gets stuck up there.

Cute!  It's hard to believe that contest was in the Washington Post.  People in Washington don't have that much of a sense of humor! 

I concur, Edisto.  What fun! 

Which Paper do you read?
                  
  1.  The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the
country.  

                  
  2.  The New York Times is read by people who think they run the
country.

                  
  3.  The Washington Post is read by people who think they
should run the country.
                  
  4.  USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but don't really understand the Washington Post.  They
do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
                  

                  
  5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they
didn't have to leave LA to do it.
                  
  6.  The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to
run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you
very much.     
                  
     
  7.  The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too
sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as
they can get a seat on the train.
                  
  8.  The New York Post is read by people who don't care who are
running the country either, as long as they do something really
scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
                  
  9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by the people who
aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it;
but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for.  There
are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped
minority feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen
to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, so long as they
are Democrats.     

                 
  10.  The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country, but need the baseball scores.
                  
  11.  The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line
at the grocery store.

A JOKE FOR TINA-KATE--This one is from Kat:

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After being there for a month, his mother paid him a visit.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.


"Mother," he replied, "they're such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side does nothing but scream all night."


"Oh, Donald, you poor dear!" his mother said. "How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"


"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes," Donald replied.


(Message last edited Jul-9th-02  4:22 AM.)

Ach, Kat, are ye daft? 

And, it's not just the pipes...I also get the 'rat-a-tat' drum that goes with it, just for good measure.

Since they followed me from my last apt to this one, I'm beginning to wonder if I was evil to a Scotsman in a past life...or perhaps I myself was a pesky piper!

Here's some "old" time humor from the original TV Hollywood
Squares show. These come via John:

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.

Q: True or false...  a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way
sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at party and you
think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple
and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the
next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,
Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter.  I'm too busy
growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics.  What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe
in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag
his tail.  What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have
more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo!
Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters
star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who
plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they
asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for
the sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car.  The rest is
up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he
was forty-one years old.  Now he says it was "one of
the best things I ever did."  What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can
you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Diet Questions Answered.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.   As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain
- Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best
feel good food around!


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie...flour is a grain!

Ah, this diet is right up my alley! 

ANNON--

Finally a Barbie I can relate to.    At long last, here are some NEW
Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a  bit more realistic...
>>>>>
1. Bifocals Barbie.     Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion  frames   in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and  large-print editions   of  Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
>>>>>
2. Hot Flash Barbie.      Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face   turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
>>>>>
3. Facial Hair Barbie.     As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her  whiskers grow.   Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
>>>>>
4. Flabby Arms Barbie.     Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new,roomier-sleeved gowns.   Good news on the tummy front,  two-MuMus with  tummy-support panels are included.
>>>>>
5. Bunion Barbie.    Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her  sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
>>>>>
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.     Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip  lines  with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of  exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
>>>>>
7. Soccer Mom Barbie.     All that experience as a cheerleader is really  paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for  Babs and Ken, Jr.    Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and  cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
>>>>>
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie.      It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a  change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,  along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for  the Napa Valley to open a B&B.     Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is  Hard to Do."
>>>>>
9. Divorced Barbie.     Sells for$ 199.99.   Comes with Ken's house, Ken's  car, and Ken's boat.
>>>>>
10. Recovery Barbie.     Too many parties have finally caught up with the  ultimate party girl.    Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.   Clean and  sober, she's going to meetings religiously.   Comes with a  little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
>>>>>
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie.     This Barbie wets her pants when she  sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot.     She is sick  and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through  the channels.     Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year,  the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
>>>>

Old Tale - New Ending

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an  old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next  day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay. Then just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What are  you gonna do with him?"
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey."

Kenny said,  "Sure I  can.  Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and
made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said,  "Didn't  anyone  complain?"

Kenny said, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him  his  $2.00 back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.< <

Ladies and Gentlemen....welcome to LBS Comedy Channel...let's all yuk it up...what'd say?   LoL..LoL..LoL...gosh I missed all this fun

BC

"Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang going 65 miles an hour with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on the makeup!!!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear.  The phone fell into my coffee, which was between my legs and
disconnected an important call!!!"

  Ain't it the truth though!