1. "Kid's Science Exams"
Posted by Kat on Oct-14th-02 at 2:22 AM

"The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams and classroom discussions.
Most were from  5th and 6th graders.
They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop' "  (May 27, 1997)

Question:  What is one horsepower?
Answer:  One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit.  If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.  But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.  When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping it's distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.  There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up it's mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.  Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green tasting rock.

Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.


(Message last edited Oct-14th-02  2:27 AM.)

(Kids Exams, con.'t)
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers.  But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around.  And around.  There is not much else to do.

  Water vapor gets together in a cloud.  When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

  Good stuff, Kat!  Thanks!

(Message last edited Nov-12th-02  1:44 AM.)

Sorry.
The Tonight Show seems to have taken their gigantic snake picture and gone home...

(Message last edited Nov-12th-02  1:45 AM.)

I could have used one of those big snakes when my kids were teenagers.  Is that other clipping from a university newspaper?  Stef could almost use it for her "Puzzle of the Month" in the newzletter.  "Count the spelling and grammatical errors in this headline."

(Message last edited Oct-18th-02  9:17 PM.)

http://www.tradecards.com/articles/bp2/index.html

Found the site for the Kodak pic., above:
The Tonight Show took away their picture...must have had a time-limit


(Message last edited Nov-12th-02  2:08 AM.)

Hey!  A Woman sent me this!  What Fun!

Oh, dear!  A few years ago, my cousin Betsy was explaining to me why her mother was no longer driving.  Betsy was walking up her mother's driveway when she noticed some damage to the fender of her mother's car.  As she entered the house, she asked, "Mom, what happened to your car?"  Her mother responded, "I hit a log."  Betsy said, "Gee, it's awfully high up on the bumper to have been caused by a log. It must've been a huge log."  Aunt Lucille responded, "Oh, the log was floating in the river when I hit it."

You've got really funny stories, Edisto!

I've actually parked like that at the 7-11

All I can ask is, how?  You must be one helluva' parallel parker! 

I parked that way because I was the only one there at first.  Nothing fancy.

OK Last one

I think she drove over the edge of a parking garage! 

I actually saw video tape of a young woman in a red car doing this on America's Funniest Home Video's last week.
The guy came up to her stopped at a light or something...and he says "Lookat this..look at this!"  And the lady said nonchalantly:  "Well, I Filled It UP!"  and smiled really pleased.

For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always
be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,  "Where  did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my  own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,  "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers--Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers--Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers--Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers--Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers--Take Seven
"Normal people...believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet." -----Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers--Take Eight
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers--Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog...that's cool."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
A Priest, Doctor and Engineer were sentenced to die by the guillotine.
The Priest was called first. He was led up to the platform, strapped in, and the board lowered into position and his head secured.
The Executioner pulled the lever and the blade came flashing down. However, halfway down it jammed and came to a stop. The Executioner took this as a sign from God and freed the Priest.
The Doctor was led up to the platform next. The same thing happened and the Doctor was freed.
The Engineer was led up the platform. He looked up at the guillotine for a couple minutes, then said to the Executioner: "You know, I think I see the problem."

Subject:
How to Give A Cat A Pill,  How to Give A Dog A Pill

CAT
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Wrap the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with masking tape and bind to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG
  How to Give A Dog A Pill . . .

1) Wrap it in bacon

Corporate lesson 1
-----------------------------------------
  A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the
door,there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.  Before she says    a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel
that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800
dollars he owes me?"

>  Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
> to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in
> a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate lesson 2
------------------------------------------
A priest was driving along and saw a nun at the side of the road;
he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got
in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a
lovely leg.  The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, sister, but the flesh
is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It
said,  "Go forth and seek, Further up, you will find glory.

>  "Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you
> might miss a great opportunity."


Corporate Lesson 3
------------------------------------------
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level
managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management
usually has a preference for Golf.

> Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in
> size.


Corporate Lesson 4
------------------------------------------
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  Poof!

She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep in astonishment. "I want to
be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

> Moral of The story:  Always let your boss have the first say.


(Message last edited Nov-6th-02  1:36 AM.)

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected and it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentraction. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

"Little Mary"
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class, "Which human body  part increases to
10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry,
and said, "You should not  be asking 6th graders
a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and  they will go and tell the principal, who will
then fire you!" With a sneer on  her face, she then
sat back down.
     
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question
again, "Which body part increases to 10 times
its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to
those around her,"Boy, is she  gonna get in big
trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to
the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
and said,"The body part that increases 10 times
its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned
to Mary and continued, "As  for you, young lady,
I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Ooo, I like that!  How come my computer didn't come with that?  Sure would make life easier! 

LOOKY you guys!  There is "FIND"

Control    Alt    C

If "C" is client, in this joke, maybe it is "F" or an "S" for Search after all.
You can try it on this thread.
Pick a word out that you know is here and "search"

(Message last edited Nov-10th-02  11:59 PM.)