Forum Title: LIZZIE BORDEN SOCIETY
Topic Area: Stay to Tea
Topic Name: Martha's new magazine and Humor (edited for archive)

. "More Weird Facts"
Posted by Kat on Sep-8th-02 at 10:42 PM
In response to Message #5.


"If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death. (Creepy.) 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
.( can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)"


7. "10 Reasons..."
Posted by Kat on Sep-10th-02 at 1:58 AM
In response to Message #6.

"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"
>
>                         10. No one ever steals your chair.
>
>                         9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
>
>                         8. Diverts attention from the fact
>                         that you also came to work drunk.
>
>                         7. People stop stealing your pens after
>                         they've seen where you keep them.
>
>                         6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
>
>                         5. To stop those creepy programmer
>                         guys from looking down your blouse.
>
>                         4. "I'd love to chip in...
>                         but I left my wallet in my pants."
>
>                         3. Inventive way to finally meet that
>                         'special' person in Human Resources.
>
>                         2. Can take advantage of your computer
>                         monitor radiation to work on your tan.
>
>                         And...drum roll...
>                         the Number One reason to go to work naked :
>
>                         Your boss will never say,
>                         "I wanna see your ass in here by 7:00!" ever
                            again. 

>


8. "Build Your Vocabulary..."
Posted by Kat on Sep-14th-02 at 11:42 PM
In response to Message #7.

Words to build your vocabulary...

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away


9. "Catchy Signs"
Posted by Kat on Sep-15th-02 at 11:20 PM
In response to Message #8.

CATCHY SIGNS

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed".

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber".

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak".

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout".

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.  We want tows".

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts"

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action".

On a maternity room door: "Push.  Push.  Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place".

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff"

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels".

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome!  Dog food is expensive"

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet --
miss a car payment".

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary.  We heard you coming".

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be"

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry ...Come on in and get fed-up".

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait"

At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills".

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak".


10. "Re: 10 Reasons..."
Posted by kimberly on Sep-15th-02 at 11:46 PM
In response to Message #7.

I just checked in here, 'nobody ever steals your chair'? Ewwww!

I'm 'cracking' up.

 

12. "Re: 10 Reasons..."
Posted by Susan on Sep-16th-02 at 11:54 AM
In response to Message #11.

Kat, I always check out your funnies!  I guess I should reply when I do so that you know that I've seen them!  That Crab Nebula photo is beautiful, how amazing!  I have to share the PUPKUS definition with a friend who has 3 dogs, he suffers with alot of pupkus! 


13. "State Motto's"
Posted by Kat on Sep-18th-02 at 2:19 AM
In response to Message #12.

This offering comes from a Forum member who shall remain nameless.  THANKs! 

Subject: State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys
Don't Own It -- Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki! Toru (Death To
Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're
Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years, Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But
That's Our Tourism
Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: Where The Weak Are Killed And Eaten
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000
Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At
Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies,
And Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You
Have The Right
To An Attorney ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't
Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw
Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are! Men ... and the sheep are
scared!



14. "Re: State Motto's"
Posted by kimberly on Sep-18th-02 at 2:30 AM
In response to Message #13.

Hey now y'all, I got relatives in them states!


15. "Re: State Motto's"
Posted by Susan on Sep-18th-02 at 11:14 AM
In response to Message #14.

I think New Jersey's motto is soooooo appropriate.  Wonder why I left that state? 


16. "Re: State Motto's"
Posted by rays on Sep-18th-02 at 5:30 PM
In response to Message #15.

I PROTEST!!! And you better not let us catch you in NJ ever again!
(I'm just kidding.)

Its the displaced New Yorkers that give NJ a bad name. Once, when visiting TX, a sales girl said "How're thing in Joisey?" I said I lived for most of my life there, but NEVER heard anybody  say "joisey". Maybe if they were from Brooklyn NY?

Once "COPS" showed the Jersey City police. Yes, there was an accent there. (But not in my town where I grew up.)

I actually worked in NY; one of my co-workers said "NJ had the worst drivers she'd ever seen". But she was from the Bronx and lived in NJ during her marriage. So maybe these "bad drivers" also invaded NJ?


17. "Re: State Motto's"
Posted by rays on Sep-18th-02 at 5:35 PM
In response to Message #16.

NJ's state motto is the "Garden State". From the early 19th century, when it raised food for Philadelphia and New York city.

Some say it should be "Garbage State" from all the industries that made NJ a synonym for "toxic dump". Or why its reputation for "Jersey Justice" means "the best decisions money can buy". F Lee Bailey's "Defense Never Rests" tells about a case he was on. Is it different in other states?

From the early 19th century to the mid 20th century, the Penna Railroad owned the state legislators (as in other states). Big Money did whatever it wanted, as long as the Governor and Legislators got their payoff. Is NJ the only state where the judiciary has never been elective? Where the Legislature or Governor appointed state and county officials?

Remember that case (dramatized on TV) where the County Prosecutor (DA) fled the state to Nevada, then killed himself when discovered? Both Dem and Rep Governors appointed him (as long as he could buy his job?).

(Message last edited Sep-18th-02  5:38 PM.)


18. "Sounds Like Rosanne Barr"
Posted by Kat on Sep-20th-02 at 12:29 AM
In response to Message #13.

????

1. Men are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they
notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

12. In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close  resemblance to the first.

14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.

15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

17. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those  people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.


19. "Re: Sounds Like Rosanne Barr"
Posted by Susan on Sep-24th-02 at 12:18 AM
In response to Message #18.

Fun stuff, Kat!  I wonder what ever did happen to Roseanne?  She would be perfect to play Abby if they ever remade the Lizzie movie! 


20. "Re: Sounds Like Rosanne Barr"
Posted by Stefani on Sep-24th-02 at 12:31 AM
In response to Message #19.

I don't see Rosanne as Abby. I see Kathy Bates.

Andrew played by Harvey Keitel.

Emma is the tough one to cast.


21. "Re: Sounds Like Rosanne Barr"
Posted by Kat on Sep-24th-02 at 2:15 AM
In response to Message #20.

Susan can play Emma, I'm sure.
Got any experience?

Rosanne is now touring comedy clubs and doing personal appearance shows again with her original co-hort, Louis Anderson!


22. "Re: Sounds Like Rosanne Barr"
Posted by Susan on Sep-24th-02 at 3:34 AM
In response to Message #21.

Thanks, Kat!  I had no idea, she just kind of disappeared out of the public eye.

I think I could get that Emma look, just gotta' get that New England accent down! 


23. "A Funny From a Forum Member"
Posted by Kat on Sep-24th-02 at 4:27 AM
In response to Message #22.

Subject: Fw: [BFNA] VIRUS ALERT
I think this might be a real virus...it's the closest
thing to an explanation of what's been happening to me
in the last five months that I've been able to come up
with...
ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes," delete it
IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is
pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your
hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the
strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to
all only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze
into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH
WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave
dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are
expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with
Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes"
message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will
not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with
whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds,
you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and
shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that
will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone!


24. "Re: A Funny From a Forum Member"
Posted by Susan on Sep-24th-02 at 11:46 AM
In response to Message #23.

  Are you sure its a virus and not a husband? 


25. "Re: A Funny From a Forum Member"
Posted by Edisto on Sep-24th-02 at 2:54 PM
In response to Message #23.

I already have dirty underwear on my coffee table.  (Doesn't everyone?)


26. "Re: A Funny From a Forum Member"
Posted by kimberly on Sep-24th-02 at 4:59 PM
In response to Message #25.

Who wears underwear?

 

33. "Re: Big Mac Attack"
Posted by Kat on Oct-8th-02 at 12:00 AM
In response to Message #32.

"Sad But True":

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.  This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are
winners.


January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded
$780,000 by  a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was  running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little tyke was Ms. Robertson's own son.


June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door
opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue metal anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.


October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced  yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.


May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend a moment earlier during an argument.


December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.  This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was  awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And you wondered how OJ got off?

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room,  when a young woman with purple hair styled into a  punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly
determined that the patient had  acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for  immediate surgery. When she was completely  disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed the hair on her private area had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that  read, "Keep off the grass."
 
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote  a short note on the patient's dressing, which  said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


34. "Re: Big Mac Attack"
Posted by kimberly on Oct-8th-02 at 12:23 AM
In response to Message #33.

Those are really annoying, I can never figure out why
the worse you behave the more you get rewarded. I'm speaking as
a somewhat bitter & poorly paid car accident victim.


35. "Re: Big Mac Attack"
Posted by Susan on Oct-8th-02 at 1:33 AM
In response to Message #33.

Kat, those are so sad!  And people wonder why insurance premiums go up all the time, for scum that bilk the system like this!  Take responsibility for yourselves already!  Augh!  It just makes me want to scream and tear clumps of hair out of my head reading what these losers were awarded! 


36. "Re: Big Mac Attack"
Posted by Kat on Oct-8th-02 at 5:34 AM
In response to Message #35.

Well, to make up for the tearing of the hair, Stefani has supplied us with something better, to take your minds off that last unpleasant post...


Analogies and Metaphors found in High School Essays:

1.  The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. Russell Beland, Springfield

2.  McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. Paul Sabourin, Silver Springs

3.  From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and"Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy Ashley, Washington

4.  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

5.  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Anonymous

6.  He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree. Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

7.  The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring, MD

8.  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.  Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA

9.  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

10.  They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.  Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

11. John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Russell Beland, Springfield

12. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

13. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Anonymous

14. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. Brian Broadus, Charlottesville.

15. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted  shut.  Sandra Hull, Arlington

16. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy". Jean Sorensen, Herndon

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

20.  "Oh Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1 a beer night. Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg

21. He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. John Kammer, Herndon

22. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Barbara  Collier, Garrett Park

23.  She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Susan Reese, Arlington

24. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. Marian Carlsson, Lexington

25. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. Jennifer Hart, Arlington

26. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude  shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

27. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. Unknown

28. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

29. He was deeply in love.  When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Susan Reese, Arlington

30. She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.  Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

31. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.  Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

32. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.  Johnathon Paul, Garret Park

33. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. Sue Lin Chong, Washington

34. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

35. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. Sue Lin Chong, Washington

36.  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Chuck Smith,Woodbridge

37. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington

38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Rich Murphy, Fairfax

 

40. "Re: Big Mac Attack"
Posted by Edisto on Oct-9th-02 at 11:57 AM
In response to Message #38.

Oh, those are wonderful!  I did notice that many of them came from
my area.  We have more than our share of slack-jawed morons here.  In fact, I can feel my IQ dropping as I write.


41. "Re: Big Mac Attack"
Posted by Susan on Oct-9th-02 at 8:51 PM
In response to Message #40.

Edisto, I don't think your area is the only place in the US populated with slack-jawed morons.  There seems to be an epidemic of sorts sweeping the country. 


42. "Secrets"
Posted by Kat on Oct-10th-02 at 3:19 AM
In response to Message #41.

Secrets To A Happy Marriage

I think I'll starting working on this.....
1. It is important to find a man who loves only you.
2. It is important to find a man who cooks and cleans.
3. It is important to find a man who makes good money.
4. It is important to find a man who likes to have sex.
5. It is important to find a man who is sensitive and understanding.
6. It is important to find a man who loves to dance with only you.
7. It is important that these six men never meet.


43. "Re: Secrets"
Posted by Susan on Oct-10th-02 at 3:27 AM
In response to Message #42.

  I'd settle for only one of 'em!  But, which number to choose? 


44. "Re: Secrets"
Posted by Kat on Oct-10th-02 at 4:03 AM
In response to Message #43.

I'd have liked:
1) When I was 20
2) When I was 30
3) When I was 40
4) When I was 50
5) When I am 60
&
6) When I am 70.

 


52. "A Sweet Story"
Posted by Kat on Oct-11th-02 at 2:33 AM
In response to Message #42.

The Stock Boy 

Here's a great story for Super Bowl Sunday: Or any other day!

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when
a new voice came over the intercom asking for a carry out at
check register 4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get
some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached
the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new
check out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26,
and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch
clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled
softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He
looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start
walking up the road.

Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and
offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she
accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could
see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn't
possible. He pressed and she explained she had two children and
she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the
baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for
the following Saturday.

That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell
him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had
called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, lets
take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option,
but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally,
Brenda brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older
daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought. Then
Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair.   He was born a
paraplegic with Down Syndrome. Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still
don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was
amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids,
especially if one had disabilities. Just like her first husband
and father of her children did.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to
dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would
take care of him. When he needed to use the rest room, he picked
him up out of his chair, took him, brought him back. The kids
loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was
the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life
with.  A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both
of her children.   Since then they have added two more kids.

So what happened to the stock boy and check out girl? Well, Mr.
& Mrs. Kurt Warner, now live in St. Louis, where he is employed
by the St. Louis Rams and plays quarterback.

(Former Penn Stater)


55. "You May Have Read This Story"
Posted by Kat on Oct-12th-02 at 3:02 AM
In response to Message #54.


Tired & Overworked!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job,
but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed
by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people
who work for State and City Governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people
in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000
to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And YOU are sitting at your computer
reading jokes...


56. "Re: You May Have Read This Story"
Posted by Susan on Oct-12th-02 at 1:22 PM
In response to Message #55.

Boy, that was good!  Where did you find that? 


57. "Re: You May Have Read This Story"
Posted by Edisto on Oct-12th-02 at 1:32 PM
In response to Message #55.

That's great!  Sounds like one of those "How to Lie with Statistics" things.


58. "More woes for Martha"
Posted by harry on Oct-28th-02 at 11:45 AM
In response to Message #1.

http://www.startribune.com/stories/484/3385805.html

Not a good thing, Martha


59. "Re: More woes for Martha"
Posted by Susan on Oct-28th-02 at 11:53 AM
In response to Message #58.

Oh, how the high and mighty have fallen!  Will this woman not stoop to any level to better herself?  I was wondering as I haven't seen it in awhile, have they taken Martha Stewart's Living off the air? 



 

Navagation

LizzieAndrewBorden.com © 2001-2008 Stefani Koorey. All Rights Reserved. Copyright Notice.
PearTree Press, P.O. Box 9585, Fall River, MA 02720

 

Page updated 12 October, 2003