A site called Uncyclopedia has a cute section on nursery rhymes that for some reason includes the Lizzie Borden doggerel.
Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one.
This famous children’s rhyme was inspired by a girl’s alleged double murder of her father and mother. While this does not appear to be suitable for a children’s rhyme (due to the fact it may put dangerous ideas into kid’s heads) it has still been passed along for generations. However, a few verses have been lost along the way (mainly because they were redundant and repetitive not to mention unnecessary).
Lizzie Borden took a nine*
And shot her mother in the spine.
When she saw what she had did
She shot her father in the head.
Lizzie Borden took an M-16
And shot her mother in the spleen.
When she saw what that entailed
She shot her father while getting the mail.
Lizzie Borden took a lance
And stabbed her mother in the pants.
When she saw what she did commit
Onto her father she dropped a brick.
Lizzie Borden had a little LAM**
And blew her mom up while sendin spam.
When she saw the smoking house
She threw another to make sure her dad didn’t get out.
Lizzie Borden took a mace
And swung it at her mother’s face.
When she saw the chain had broke
She made her dad and house explode.
Lizzie Borden took some WMD’s***
And killed her mother with the greatest of ease.
When she saw that burned up whale
She killed her dad with anthraxmail.
Mama Borden was a slut
So lizzie had to kick her butt
When she finished doing that
She lypo-sucked her father’s fat
**Lightweight Attack Munitions
***Wobbly Massage Dinkytoys
What Have We Learned?
Be nice to your kids.
People get carried away with slander.
Writing stupid violent rhymes can be educational.
At a certain point, it isn’t necessary to have sources support your claims. For example, although the 5th verse suggests Lizzie sent spam mail, this is most likely just a slanderous and unbased comment to make people dislike her more.
After a while, you run out of ways to kill.
Children’s literature is creepy and macabre.
Lypo-sucking your father is really nasty and uncalled for.
Actually Lypo-sucking your dad is not cruel, mean, or deadly at all, it is actually quite nice if your father is very obese and needs some type of surgerey, and this misconception was not reconciled until 1989.