Doggerel Play

Doggerel Play

A site called Uncyclopedia has a cute section on nursery rhymes that for some reason includes the Lizzie Borden doggerel.

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one.

This famous children’s rhyme was inspired by a girl’s alleged double murder of her father and mother. While this does not appear to be suitable for a children’s rhyme (due to the fact it may put dangerous ideas into kid’s heads) it has still been passed along for generations. However, a few verses have been lost along the way (mainly because they were redundant and repetitive not to mention unnecessary).

Lizzie Borden took a nine*
And shot her mother in the spine.
When she saw what she had did
She shot her father in the head.

Lizzie Borden took an M-16
And shot her mother in the spleen.
When she saw what that entailed
She shot her father while getting the mail.

Lizzie Borden took a lance
And stabbed her mother in the pants.
When she saw what she did commit
Onto her father she dropped a brick.

Lizzie Borden had a little LAM**
And blew her mom up while sendin spam.
When she saw the smoking house
She threw another to make sure her dad didn’t get out.

Lizzie Borden took a mace
And swung it at her mother’s face.
When she saw the chain had broke
She made her dad and house explode.

Lizzie Borden took some WMD’s***
And killed her mother with the greatest of ease.
When she saw that burned up whale
She killed her dad with anthraxmail.

Mama Borden was a slut
So lizzie had to kick her butt
When she finished doing that
She lypo-sucked her father’s fat

**Lightweight Attack Munitions
***Wobbly Massage Dinkytoys

What Have We Learned?
Be nice to your kids.
People get carried away with slander.
Writing stupid violent rhymes can be educational.
At a certain point, it isn’t necessary to have sources support your claims. For example, although the 5th verse suggests Lizzie sent spam mail, this is most likely just a slanderous and unbased comment to make people dislike her more.
After a while, you run out of ways to kill.
Children’s literature is creepy and macabre.
Lypo-sucking your father is really nasty and uncalled for.
Actually Lypo-sucking your dad is not cruel, mean, or deadly at all, it is actually quite nice if your father is very obese and needs some type of surgerey, and this misconception was not reconciled until 1989.

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  1. David J.

    October 26, 2006

    Let’s join in the fun–

    Lizzie Borden sure was p*ssed,
    So she phoned a terrorist.
    When he got stuck at LAX,
    She cussed him dear, then grabbed an ax.

    Lizzie Borden chopped and chopped
    Till Daddy slumped and Mommy plopped
    “Dear me,” said Liz,
    “What a messy biz.”
    So she went out and shopped till she dropped.

    Lizzie Borden harbored a wrath
    That a lady never should hath.
    So she took up a weapon
    You never would reckon,
    Or how she cleaned up with no bath.

    Lizzie Borden grabbed a gun–
    “That’s too easy, that’s no fun.”
    So she switched it for a blade,
    Then what an impression she made.

  2. David J.

    October 27, 2006

    Where have all the doggerelists gone?

    Lizzie’s acid-trip for the cape
    Nearly noosed her about her nape
    But, with twenty-five grand
    In the ex-gov’nor’s hand
    She beat an easy escape.

    Lizzie Borden phoned The Prez,
    “My parents live on oil,” she says.
    So he bombed a few
    At Number 92
    Then continued for years, not just days.

  3. David J.

    October 28, 2006

    Yet another–

    Mr. Borden’s mutton soup
    Threw Miss Lizzie for a loop,
    So she axed for money
    Till Dad’s face was runny
    Then moved on to a fancier coop.