Table of Contents
1. Greetingz
2. April Timeline
3. Updatz
4. Upcoming Eventz
5. Lizzie in the Newz
6. Web Site Additionz
7. Web Site Coming Attractionz
8. Lizzie Borden Quarterly
9. Lizzie Gifts — Perfect for the Lizzie Borden buff in your life!
10. Thiz and Thatz

1. GREETINGZ

Spring has sprung! Finally! I hope all of you are experiencing the wonders of warmer weather. If not, take heart, a change of seasons is just around the corner.

Each week the Lizzie Andrew Borden Virtual Museum and Library receives requests for information and advice on the Borden Murders and the many peripheral characters related to this case. One such request produced a bit of research which I am presenting to you later in this newzletter. If any of you, dear readers, consider yourself versed in any particular area of the case, please let me know and I will add you to my list of experts to help answer some of the tougher queries.

I had ten responses to my call for birthdays, so I wanted to remind each of you about it. As I stated last month, I am putting together a list of members' and subscribers' birthdays so that I can give you each a public best wishes when your day rolls around. If you would like to share that info (date, not year) feel free to email me. I am going to also use the data to determine if any particular astrological sign is more attracted to this case than any others. So you are really participating in an unscientific astrology study. I will post the results here in about two months.

Here is to spring and all that it brings!

2. APRIL TIMELINE

These are the events related to the Lizzie Borden case that occurred in the month of April:

• April 1 — 1844, Abraham invests money to start Andrew and William Almy in the furniture business
• April 6 — 2002, Borden scholar, Terence Duniho, dies in Providence, RI, at the age of 62
• April 9 — 1920, Melvin Ohio Adams dies in Boston, at the age of 70
• April 10 — 1982, Edward Rowe Snow, author of a piece on the case, dies at the age of 80
• April 14 — 1890, Morse is in Warren, RI, to visit Uncle Charles Morse, stayed 1.5 years
• April 17 — 1859, Captain Philip Harrington is born
• April 26 — 1872, Andrew Borden buys 92 Second St. from Charles C. Trafton
• April 29 — 1924, Hannah B. Reagan dies in Fall River, at the age of 73

3. UPDATZ:

Thanks goes to Greg Kreiger who found a great cartoon of Lizzie Borden. I emailed the artist and received permission to reprint it in the LBVML. Keep these great finds coming!

Request for information: I have had two separate requests for information regarding the burial place of actress Nance O'Neil. We know she died in Englewood, NJ, but no online sites seem to carry this specific information as to her final resting place. If any of you know the answer, would you please email me or post the data on the Lizzie Borden Society Forum. Thank you!

Here's a direct link to the forum

4. UPCOMING EVENTS

The Shaw Festival announces their production of "Blood Relations" by Sharon Pollock, written 1980, May 1 to November 30.

In Fall River, Massachusetts, the spinster Lizzie Borden is drawn into re-enacting the events that led to the axe-murders of her father and stepmother ten years earlier. Written by one of Canada’s finest playwrights, this production puts a new twist on The Shaw’s tradition of psychological thrillers performed at the Royal George.

The Shaw Festival is one of the largest repertory companies in North America, and the only theatre that specializes in plays written by Bernard Shaw and his contemporaries — "plays about the beginning of the modern world." Productions run April to November in three different theatres, in a beautiful village 20 minutes down-river from Niagara Falls, and two hours from Toronto.

Visit their web site for ticket information.

Publisher of the Lizzie Borden Quarterly to give talk: This from Lizzie Borden Society Forum member Harry Widdows. Dr. Gabriela Adler will present a lecture on April 4 at a meeting of the The Fall River Chapter of Brandeis University National Women’s Committee at Bristol Community College, entitled "A Marvel of the Age: Lizzie Borden and the Media." For those of you who may not know, Dr. Adler wrote her doctoral dissertation on the Borden case, called "Our Beloved Lizzie: Constructing an American Legend." University of Rhode Island, 1995. Click here to view entire article.

Conference on Guilt: The Department of English at the University of New England is sponsoring a Law and Humanities conference on the Westbrook College Campus this summer, June 14, 2003. The topic is "Guilt." The keynote speaker will be Professor Austin Sarat, founder of the Department of Law, Jurisprudence, and Social Thought at Amherst College and president of the Association for the Study of Law, Culture, and the Humanities. Cultural critic Carolyn Gage will be presenting a paper on Lizzie Borden at said conference, a reworking of her "The Real Mystery Behind the Fall River Murders" from a few years ago.Her web site can be seen here

5. LIZZIE IN THE NEWZ

From Lizzie Borden Society Forum member Karen Willis: I am in the performing arts- teacher, playwright, composer, artist in residence, composer, actress- you name it, I've probably done it. :) I just started presenting "Miss Lizzie A. Borden Invites You for Tea"- a one woman show by playwright Marjorie Conn. I won a state award for Best Actress at our Kentucky Theatre Assn. Festival. Just got back from SETC in Arlington. I plan to present this play at the 2004 SETC in Chattanooga. Karen Willis, Community Theatre President for KTA, Ky rep to AACT.

Here is am image of Karen in her costume as Lizzie!

More Handwriting Analysis of Lizzie Borden: Here is a link to a site that examines Lizzie's handwriting and offers up an analysis of her personality. Note that the author says she takes the sample from Lizzie's will, when in fact is the funeral instructions reported here in the October 2002 Newzletter. Click here for the text of the essay.

Interview of Joan Axelrod-Contrada, author of Lizzie Borden 'Axe Murder' Trial: A Headline Court Case. Berkeley Heights, NJ: Enslow Pub., 2000. From the Annotated and Comprehensive Bibliography of the Borden Murders, this book is intended for young adults and gives an accurate and thoughtful retelling of the case as well as some background material on Victorian America. Click here for the text of the article.

Director of "Lizzie Borden" opera, Rhonda Levine, is profiled.

The April issue of the Lizzie Borden Quarterly should be in your mailboxes soon!

6. WEB SITE ADDITIONZ

I have recently added several new pages to the Lizzie Borden Virtual Museum and Library. They include:

• A great new cartoon depicting Lizzie by artist Bill Kelly!
• A brand new front page for the Lizzie Borden Virtual Museum and Library
• New page offering images of the case as sketched by the newspapers of the day
• New items for sale, posted by members of the Lizzie Borden Newzletter
• The final installments of Kathleen Carbone's "This is Maplecroft"
• Another humorous addition to the Writer's Corner by Sherry Chapman entitled "Dear Abby". Ms. Chapman's column presents advice to questions posed by members of the cast of characters of the Borden Murders — and who answers these queries? Why none other than Abby Borden!

7. WEB SITE COMING ATTRACTIONZ

• New images of Fall River
• The Preliminary Hearing's closing arguments from Porter (they were not a part of the typed Preliminary Hearing that has come down to us from Jennings)--by Kat Koorey
• A new addition to "Dear Abby"
• Newly found image of Lizzie's high school
• A section of book and video reviews. If you would like to have your comments posted in this section, please email me

Here is a list of the newest additions to the Lizzie Borden Gift Shop. Please visit the store at this address for contact information regarding purchasing these items.

Lizzie Borden Mouse Pads. Now for the first time you can own a Lizzie Borden Mouse Pad! The perfect holiday gift for anyone interested in the Borden murders of 1892, the history of Fall River, or Victorian America. These high quality mouse pads are 3/16th of an inch thick and measure 9.25 X 7.75 inches.This stunning mouse pad depicts Lizzie in front of the 92 Second Street house in Fall River, Mass. in which both her father and stepmother were murdered (see image). While Lizzie was tried and acquitted of the crimes, not everyone believes her to be innocent. Did she or didn't she? Shipping is $1.50 to continental US. $16.95 each or 2 for $32.00

Complete Primary Source Documents PLUS important books on the case on CD-ROM: Police Witness Statements (46 pages + full index); Inquest (2 vols.); Preliminary Hearing (5 vols., 460+ pages); Trial Transcript (2 vols., 1,900 + pages). PLUS The Fall River Tragedy (1893) by Edwin H. Porter and The Trial of Lizzie Borden (1937) by Edmund Pearson --- both books are in PDF format and contain all photographs from the original editions. All documents and books are in PDF format for easy viewing on ANY computer or operating system (Mac, PC, Linux). Now you can own all of the important primary sources on one disk! If purchased separately in hard paper format, your total would be at least $250. This copy of the Preliminary Hearing is in CORRECT ORDER. The original is not. Includes an original introductory essay that provides much needed information on the preliminary hearing process and Lizzie's process specifically. The disk includes all four documents, two important books on the case (Porter and Pearson), plus a free bonus of a large collection of photographs related to the case in jpg and gif formats, including images of the primary participants in the murder mystery and photographs of the inside and outside of the murder house, 92 Second St. in Fall River, Mass. $49.95.

The Borden Murders and Their Aftermath, as reported in the New Bedford Evening Standard. One of the foremost and complete newspapers that covered the Borden tragedy of Fall River, Massachusetts, was the New Bedford Evening Standard. Almost all books on the Borden case draw heavily from its pages. Rich in detail, these news reports capture the flavor and atmosphere from the day of the crime to Lizzie’s ultimate acquittal. Now for the first time you can have a digitized transcription of the pages of this vital resource. Arranged by date, these articles if printed out would be over 460 pages in length. This collection does not include the trial coverage itself and is intended as a complement to the primary source documents found at this website. These articles cover the daily side happenings during the period of the trial and the events leading up to it and its decision. Reading these pages is like being transported back in time to 1892-93 Fall River and New Bedford, Mass. Every attempt was made to make an exact duplicate of each daily article. This is a must for any Lizzie Borden buff who wants to read first hand about the excitement and drama surrounding the daily happenings of this extraordinary case. This important document is brought to you in PDF format for easy viewing on ANY computer or operating system (Mac, PC, Linux). The disk includes the extensive transcripts of the New Bedford Evening Standard plus a free bonus of a large collection of photographs related to the case in jpg and gif formats, including images of the primary participants in the murder mystery and photographs of the inside and outside of the murder house, 92 Second St. in Fall River, Mass. $19.95.

 Lizzie Borden -- The Murders and Their Aftermath, as reported by the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. A little known upstate New York newspaper, the Democrat & Chronicle in Rochester, NY, devoted extensive coverage to the Borden murders in Fall River, Massachusetts and their aftermath in the years 1892 and 1893. In a series of 28 articles they present the daily happenings and events that were so captivating to the reading audience. The articles were transcribed and digitized using the exact spelling and factual errors to reflect the sense of the reporting of this real life drama and are made available for the very first time in this format. This well written and interesting series of articles is a welcome addition to any collector of material on one of the most horrific unsolved murder cases of all time. This collection is in PDF format for viewing on any computer system. The collection can be read with a free Adobe Acrobat Reader, available for download at Adobe.com. This unique and original collection has never before been offered for sale. Transcribed by Harry Widdows, famed originator of the Lizzie Borden Trial Transcript in Word format. $9.95

Lizzie Borden Screensaver! This specially created screensaver is for the Lizzie Borden buff, true crime reader, armchair detective, or historian. The screensaver contains over forty photographs covering the span of the 1892 Borden tragedy. Photos of Lizzie, the Bordens, the Morses, 92 Second Street, the victims, Fall River, Maplecroft, and the Oak Grove Cemetery graves are included. This unique and brand new item has never before been offered for sale. Created by Harry Widdows, famed originator of the Lizzie Borden Trial Transcript in Word format. This CD makes a great gift and installs in seconds on any PC running Windows. $11.95 includes FREE SHIPPING!

Lizzie Borden Bumper Sticker! Now for the first time you can own a "Lizzie Borden -- Did She or Didn't She?" bumper sticker. These high quality bumper stickers are made from the finest synthetic (polypropylene or polyester) materials. The color pigments are heat-fused onto the material.  This makes the image resistant to weather,  carwashes, etc. The stickers are flexible and easy to apply. Our bumper stickers are the standard 3" by 10" in size.  The sticker is black and white (see image). Please note that the word "COPY" does not appear on the finished bumper sticker, it is used for advertisement purposes only. $4.95 each or 2 for $9.00, shipping is only 45 cents! .

The Preliminary Hearing. 481 pages, 5 volumes. August 25 - September 1, 1892. Available for the first time in .pdf format on a CD-ROM. Searchable and complete. With introductory essay by Harry Widdows and Stefani Koorey. This copy does not require a word processing program to view as this disk's contents are in PDF format. In addition, this copy of the Preliminary Hearing is in CORRECT ORDER. The original is not. And finally, this copy of the Preliminary Hearing includes an original introductory essay that provides much needed information on the preliminary hearing process and Lizzie's process specifically. The disk includes the Preliminary Hearing plus a free bonus of a large collection of photographs related to the case in jpg and gif formats, including images of the primary participants in the murder mystery and photographs of the inside and outside of the murder house, 92 Second St. in Fall River, Mass. $29.95

The Murder of Bertha Manchester, 1893, articles of the crime from the Evening Standard, New Bedford, Mass., May 31 to June 13, 1893, on CD-ROM. Says Lizzie Borden scholar, K. Koorey, "The pitiful saga of the Bertha Manchester murder was an important addendum to the legend of the Borden Case. The murder was committed in similar style, with similar weapon, in daylight, upon an innocent woman. It’s splash upon the headlines May 31, 1893, just days before the beginning of the trial of Lizzie Borden for the hatchet murder of her father and step –mother, may have influenced a jury pool that was about to be chosen to serve in the 'Trial of the Century.'" Volume contains thirteen articles and several newspaper images. Also includes an original Introduction and Epilogue by K. Koorey. This collection is in PDF format for viewing on any computer system. The collection can be read with a free Adobe Acrobat Reader, available for download at Adobe.com. This unique and original collection has never before been offered for sale. Transcribed by Harry Widdows, famed originator of the Lizzie Borden Trial Transcript in Word format. $7.95.

Edmund Pearson The Trial of Lizzie Borden and Edwin Porter The Fall River Tragedy, on CD-ROM. Pearson, Edmund. The Trial of Lizzie Borden. New York: Doubleday, 1937. Important work that includes great quantities of trial testimony, not generally found elsewhere, but criticized for his one-sided approach which favored Lizzie as the killer. Porter, Edwin H. The Fall River Tragedy. Fall River, MA: George R. H. Buffinton, Press of J. D. Munroe, 1893. Porter's book is the first major work in the field of Borden studies. Includes many rare photographs. Both books are complete and are in PDF format for easy viewing on ANY computer (Mac, PC, Linux). The disk includes both books (and all photos from the original editions) plus a free bonus of a large collection of photographs related to the case in jpg and gif formats, including images of the primary participants in the murder mystery, and photographs of the inside and outside of the murder house, 92 Second St. in Fall River, Mass. $19.95

 Lost Lesbian Lives contains three one-woman plays written by actress and playwright Marjorie Conn. It includes The Honeymoon Years of Eleanor Roosevelt & Lorena Hickok, Miss Lizzie A. Borden Invites You to Tea, Thar She Blows! Disguised as a Boy She Went A'whaling. These works and others represent Marj's unwavering commitment to recording and restoring the lives of lesbians, lives which have been all too often erased from history. The plays in this book focus on three very different women: Lorena Hickok, an early female reporter and the lover of Eleanor Roosevelt. Lizzie Borden, the subject of the 19th Century Trial of the Century, who was also the lover of a famous actress. Isabella Chase, a fictional character patterned after the real women who disguised themselves as men and served on whaling and other ships in the mid-19th Century. Each of them encompasses a part of the North American lesbian experience, and thus is a part of our history. All 3 plays are one-woman plays and have enjoyed productions in Provincetown, MA and New York City. Excellent monologue material for women (and men in drag) of all ages.

Excellent reading material. All 3 characters have in common their love for animals. 10% of the proceeds for this book is being donated to Greyhound Rescue Organizations. Lost Lesbian Lives is a captivating read by itself, and the perfect companion for those fortunate enough to see Marj perform one or all of these great plays. Happy Reading! $17, includes shipping. $17.00

10. THIZ AND THATZ

Of Interest:

• Happy Birthday Greetings to the following Newzletter subscribers:
  Sherman Boley, April 17
  Stefani Koorey, April 19 (that's me!)
• In Memoriam:
  Dear friend and web site contributor ("All Things Swift") Terence Duniho died one year ago on April 6, 2002. Rest in peace.

Joe Howard, journalist for the Boston Globe. As mentioned in the Greetingz, a request came in for information about Joe Howard. The person who wanted the data is a relative conducting some genealogical research. Thanks to Kat Koorey and Harry Widdows, we were able to offer her the following sources to pursue her investigation.

1. Rebello, Leonard. Lizzie Borden: Past and Present. Al-Zach Press, 1999.

Joseph Howard, Jr., a free lance writer for the Boston Globe and the New York Recorder.
===========
" Newspaper Comments," New Bedford Evening Standard, Tuesday, June 13, 1893: 3.
" It must be with some sorrow that the people of New Bedford have to read the descriptions by Joe Howard [reporter for the Boston Globe] of the women who attended the trial of Lizzie Borden. 'There were a few who looked liked ordinary human beings, intelligent, well-informed, nicely garbed, and there for an obvious purpose, but a large majority are unkempt looking, unintelligent and exceedingly unattractive.' Women who are the salt of the earth, or who decorate the land like the floral beauties of June do not become habitual attendants in court rooms." Brockton Enterprise [Massachusetts]."
==============
" Demonic Deed / Joe Howard Pictures the Borden Murder / Analysis Hopeless to Find Motive of Crime / In Advance of Evidence That May Be Shown," Boston Daily Globe, Monday, June 5, 1893: 3.
" Moody Opens the Borden Case / Points Presented to the Jury. Accused Woman Faints in Court / First Sensation Caused by Gruesome Exhibits / Opportunity a Text for the Plea / What Miss Russell is Expected to Say / Burned Dress to Figure in Evidence Presented / Lawyers and Jury at Scene of the Tragedy / Howard's Vivid Description of the Day's Events," Boston Daily Globe, Wednesday, June 7, 1893: 1.
===================
" Howard's Description of the Judges / Bridget a Witness," Fall River Daily Herald, Thursday, June 8, 1893: 6.
" A smile played about the lips of Miss Sullivan whenever any reference was made to the component parts of the meals served at the Borden house. She laughed at the mutton, and cold mutton, and mutton broth, just as others have laughed at the same thing."
============================
" The Ejected Artist / Leads Joe Howard to Comment on Newspaper Workers at Trial / Newspaper Comments," New Bedford Evening Standard, Wednesday, June 14, 1893: 3.
" Justice That Is Over Zealous / The Ejected Artist / Said He Killed the Bordens / Curious Story Told by a Barber of Newark, N.J. / A Wise Courtesy-District Attorney Knowlton's Favor Granted the Prisoner / Mr. Jennings Pictures," New Bedford Evening Standard, Wednesday, June 14, 1893: 6.
=====================
" Wise and Otherwise / A Wide Range of Opinion on the Famous Trial," Fall River Daily Herald, Tuesday, June 27, 1893: 6.
" Meanwhile Miss Borden should muzzle her fool friends. One of the most persistent and insufferable of the lot is Mrs. Mary A. Livermore. Joe Howard is a good second. This man's dispatches to the New York Recorder were an insult to the decent sentiment of the state." Boston Republic.
=======================
" What They Think of It," New Bedford Daily Mercury, July 8, 1893: 8.
The Taunton and Fall River papers copied an item from the Mercury concerning the entertainment given by the Lizzie Borden Club of this city [New Bedford, Massachusetts] to the Emma Borden Club of Brockton, [Massachusetts]. The headlines placed upon the article indicate what it thought of the affair. The Taunton Gazette's head was, "What Idiocy," That of the Fall River News was, "New Bedford Refinement," and the Fall River Daily Globe's headline was, "Joe Howard and Mary Ann Livermore Not Present."
====================
" An Irresponsible Bird: Joe Howard in Boston Globe," New Bedford Daily Mercury, Tuesday, June 6, 1893: 5.
" At 11 o'clock precisely, a boy in the inside closure outside the court house from which a cow had been removed the day before, interrupted the proceedings with a shrill, clear, distinct whistling reproduction of 'Ta-ra-ra-boom- de-a.' It is needless to remark, but the record demands it, that brother Wright [Andrew R. Sheriff of Bristol County and trial bailiff] immediately sent out and the whistler subsided."

2. Paul D. Hoffman, Yesterday in Old Fall River. Carolina Academic Press, Durham, N.C., 2000: " Howard, Joseph, Jr.

Joe Howard has been called journalism's first syndicated columnist. He represented many of the nation's top newspapers, including the Boston Globe, the New York Recorder, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Chicago Tribune, and Joseph Pulitzer's New York World, at the Borden trial. He was a strong believer in Lizzie Borden's innocence and has been described as a 'stand-out performer', 'voluble' and 'robust'. The whole country read with interest Howard's colorful descriptions of the trial and the local citizens. 'There were two or three very pretty girls from Boston (watching the Borden trial),' Howard wrote, 'but a large majority were vinegar-faced, sharp-nosed lean-visaged and extremely spare in physique...(with) a host of unkempt and unattractive females.' Descriptions such as this kept up interest around the nation during and after the trial. Joe Howard was born in Brooklyn, New York. As a boy, Howard was inspired by the colorful sermon's and public talks of America's most famous mid-nineteenth century religious leader, Henry Ward Beecher. Howard could always be recognized by his trademark red beard and wide-brimmed straw hat cocked at a jaunty angle. Howard was always accompanied by a beautiful blonde stenographer.

One of Howard's early stories affected the progress of the Civil war. In 1862 he invented a story that the government was going to initiate the first military draft in American history because so many soldiers had been killed or wounded in battle. What Howard did not know was that the government really did plan a draft, which had to be postponed because of the riots of protest that followed the publication of his story. As a result, Howard was arrested and spent some time in jail. Howard was famous for his P. T. Barnum-like style and what Borden scholar Robert Sullivan described as 'an excessive use of adjectives to the point of being euphistic.' After the Civil war ended, it was Joe Howard who first broke the famous Credit Mobilier scandal that almost ruined President Ulysses S. Grant's first administration. Howard was just as colorful and cynical in reporting the Borden trial as he was describing government scandals. Even though he believed in Lizzie's innocence, he criticized Judge Justin Dewey's controversial instructions to the jury before they began deliberation: 'With matchless clearness, he (Dewey) set up the case of the prosecution point by point and, in the most
ingenious manner possible, knocked it down.' After the jury acquitted Lizzie Borden, she arose from her seat in the courtroom, went over to Howard and personally thanked him for his journalistic support. Lizzie later gave a reception in Howard's honor as a further token of appreciation."
===================

3. New Bedford Evening Standard, June 5, 1893, page 3, column 3.

"Joe Howard, the veteran journalist, who has probably attended more notable murder trials during the past 30 years, including those of Mrs. Surratt and the Malleys for the killing of Jennie Cramer, than any other newspaper man alive, was the observer of all observers and the cynosure of all eyes. His individuality cropped out in spite of himself, and he was especially noticeable as being the only man in the court room who has utterly disregarded conventionality and appeared in genuine summer apparel. He represents the Boston Globe and the New York Recorder.

4. New Bedford Evening Standard, June 10, 1893, Page 6, col. 4.
"In Joe Howard's company this morning was noticed the well-known actress, Miss Annie O'Neil, of the Crane combination."

See mentions in:
Louis M. Lyons, NEWSPAPER STORY One Hundred Years of the Boston Globe, Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, Cambridge, Mass., 1971, pgs. 23, 58, 93-94, 119.
.......................
See mentions in:
David Kent, The Lizzie Borden Sourcebook, Branden Publishing Co. Inc., Boston, Mass., 1992. Articles throughout, and bio mentions pg. 322-326.
.........................
See mention in:
Patricia A. McConnell, (Thesis) "What Becomes A Legend Most? The Image Of Lizzie Borden In The Yellow Journals", Maryland, 1989, starting pg. 15.
.........................
See mention in:
Spiering, Frank, Lizzie: The Story of Lizzie Borden. NY: Random House, 1984, starting pg. 113.
........................
Sullivan, Robert. Goodbye Lizzie Borden. Brattleboro, VT: Stephen Greene Press, 1974, starting pg. 68.

 

Wordz and Muzic: Michael Brown song "You Can't Chop Your Poppa" redone as "Lizzie Borden" sung by the Chad Mitchell Trio:

Yesterday in old Fall River, Mr. Andrew Borden died,
And they got his daughter Lizzie on a charge of homicide
Some folks say she didn't do it others say of course she did
But they all agree, Miss Lizzie B. was a problem kinda kid
Chorus: 'Cause you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts
Not even if it's planned as a surprise
No, you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts
You know how neighbors love to criticize

Well, she got him on the sofa where he'd gone to take a snooze,
And I hope he went to heaven, 'cause he wasn't wearing shoes
Lizzie kinda rearranged him with a hatchet so they say
Then she got her mother in that same old fashioned way
Chorus: But you can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts
Not even if you're tired of her cuisine
No can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts
You know it's almost sure to cause a scene

Oh they really kept her hoppin on that busy afternoon
With both down and upstairs hoppin while she hummed a ragtime tune
They really made her hustle and when all was said and done
She removed her mother's bustle when she wasn't wearing one
Chorus: Now can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts
And then blame all the damage on the mice
No you can't chop your mama up in Massachusetts
That sort of thing just isn't very nice.

Now it wasn't done for pleasure and it wasn't done for spite
And it wasn't done because the lady wasn't very bright
She'd always done the slightest thing that mom and papa bid
They said, "Lizzie, cut it out!" so that's exactly what she did!
Chorus: But you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts
And then get dressed and go out for a walk
No you can't chop your papa up in Massachusetts
Massachusetts is a far cry from New York

Shut the door and lock and latch it - here comes Lizzie with a brand new hatchet!
Such a snob I heard it said, she met her pa and cut him dead!
Jump like a fish - jump like a porpoise, all join hands and habeas corpus!

— And now for some humor:

• A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. " Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
• On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
• A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

The Lizzie Borden Newzletter is published by the Lizzie Borden Virtual Museum and Library, (c) copyright 2002-2003. All rights reserved.