Doug Waltersby Doug Walters
First published in October/November, 2005, Volume 2, Issue 5, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
MY DEAR MADAME EDITOR:
Let me begin by complimenting you upon the superior quality of your research site, discussion forum, and publication devoted to the life, legend, and supposed ill-repute of Miss Lizzie Borden, lately of 306 French Street, Fall River.
I have never before seen any such thing; it renews faith in the “common man” as it were – The ladies will pardon this phrase, but Dr. Webster tells me it is still proper, tho not much in favor in your own time. Pardon the language of my time if you please.
As I had begun to say – it quickens the heart to know that even after all these many years, the doings of 1892 and ’93 are still debated and dissected, by average readers as well as learned historians. It also pleases that my own name at times be mentioned in connection with such earnest and heartfelt scholarship.
I must, however, take momentary gentle issue on a small matter which brings me – large concern, so to say. I have noticed the past few weeks that one of the members in your discussion group – a quite delightful young lady it appears – persists in post-scripting her comments with the following question: “Am I the only one who thinks Eli Bence was a 19th century hunk?” It flatters me no end that such a question is asked, particularly as I have learned that “hunk” means in your present day an object of visual attraction and pleasure – “strikingly handsome” we might have said years ago. (As you might guess, Dr. Webster is most helpful in these matters.
I therefore write to blushingly acknowledge the young lady’s kind query and apparent affectionate thoughts. To be so regarded after these many years is most gratifying to the masculine soul.
But… well, you see, Mrs. Bence has other notions – she is somewhat displeased frankly, and in fact fails to see why I should be an object of attraction and desire to anyone but her – particularly after all these many years.
I thought it best to mention this in short order, particularly as the last several days I have noted the phrase “ Eli…Third Circle of Hell ” often muttered in her sleep!
I shall close with kind thoughts and Best Wishes.
Yours in Pharmacy,
Eli Bence
Formerly of D. R. Smith’s
Fall River, Massachusetts
