Dear Abby, Spring, 2011

by Sherry Chapman

First published in Spring, 2011, Volume 7, Issue 1, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby,
I was so pleased to see you at my store last Friday. And may I say that you looked as well-dressed and apple fresh as always. I hope that you were happy with your purchases and, should you have the tiniest complaint – which we are sure you will not – all products are covered by a money-back guarantee – no questions asked. May I point out to you, Mrs. Borden, that next week we will be having “Dime Days”, where many of our products will be on sale for only one dime. Surely you will want to stop in and take a break from your busy day and simply browse our line of excellent products and purchase what catches your shopper’s experienced eye. You already know that here at Bennett’s Drug Store you have not only the friendliest clerks, but friends as well. August 8 – 14 “Dime Days”. August 16 – 22 “Back to School Days” with all school supplies 33 and one half cents off and free popcorn for all shoppers. Free bag with every order. Bennett’s Drug Store, Corner of Main and Central streets, Fall River. Tell your friends to check in frequently! – Bennett’s

Dear Bennett’s,
This is clearly an ad for your store. Not only did I not visit your store last Friday, but neither has my family. In fact, our Lizzie says she has never stepped foot in your store in her entire life. Your brazenness ires me, sir. Yes, I will tell my friends to check “infrequently”. I myself will not do further business within your store. (I might stop in for the free popcorn, though.)

Dear Abby ,
I found dis silver cup throwed in a alley in town. I ain’t sure if it’s yours or not, but it says From Abbie to Lizzie 1868 on it. If you wants it back, I want real doe for it – a hundred bucks. Signed, The Kollektor

Dear Kollektor,
Of course I would like the cup. You deserve a reward, and I shall see that you get your “hundred bucks” as soon as I can acquire that many deer.

Dear Abby,
My husband is a glass blower. Yesterday he came home and said he had inhaled when he should have exhaled. We went to see Dr. Bowen, and saw his bill before we saw him. We could not afford his services and if that is the going rate for doctors in Fall River, we can’t afford any others either. Please, Abby, could you give us some advice on what we should do? My husband is suffering.—Desperate Housewife

Dear Housewife,
Oh, my dear. My sympathies are with you. I cannot imagine the panes your husband must have. As it happens, I know Dr. Bowen quite well, and if you come back to his residence I will ask him if something can be worked out regarding his charges.  Do know that he is not without idiosyncrasies. He sometimes laughs at his patients’ predicaments and has a fear of vomit (barphobia I think is the medical term). He also carries a Mr. Potato Head kit in his bag (I’ve seen it). But he is a good man, and I am sure he will do all he can for your husband. 

Dear Abby,
Riding on a horsecar the other day, I accidentally overheard someone say that your husband, Andrew, is not going to leave his daughters any money or real estate in his will. Is this true? And, if so, what could have brought on his mindset?—J. V. Orsemay

Dear J. V.,
No, it is not true. And frankly I am tired of my family’s personal affairs being brought out into the light so often. But, as our Lizzie says, I am a huge public figure in the city, and I suppose it is to be somewhat expected. The truth of the matter is that I do not have long to live. There, it is out and I am glad. I don’t have to pretend anymore. Dr. Bowen told me a week ago that I have a female cyst that will cause me a very painful death within a month. He encouraged me to take my own life before any pain sets in, and our Lizzie was right there with me, patting my hand and agreeing with the doctor. He also assured me that Andrew would not be able to bear losing a second wife and that, if I were willing, he would assist us both in a very painless exit from this world. Because both my husband and I are God-fearing people, I said absolutely not and that we would take our chances on our own. The household has been busy with talk of money and inheritances. The ‘girls’ want Andrew to sign over everything right now to them, but the more they push, the more he pushes back. The thing is, the ‘girls’ don’t know that a will…

I am hearing laughter. Have I gone mad in this wretched heat? Maybe if I look up I will see who is laughing. It is Lizzie. “Lizzie, why are you laughing? And why do you wear a gossamer on such a hot day? Why do you have a hatchet in your hands?” Why am I typing everything I am saying? 

I know why. I am afraid. If this vision proceeds any further, I hope it is all in my head.

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