{"id":4702,"date":"2018-07-17T17:25:22","date_gmt":"2018-07-17T21:25:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/HatchetOnline\/?p=4702"},"modified":"2024-08-16T08:44:03","modified_gmt":"2024-08-16T12:44:03","slug":"the-hoarders-of-fall-river","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/the-hoarders-of-fall-river\/","title":{"rendered":"The Hoarders of Fall River"},"content":{"rendered":"

First published in Winter, 2013, Volume 8, Issue 1, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n


\nThere are approximately three hoarders in Fall River, Massachusetts. Hoarding is a mental difficulty, and most need help to stop.<\/span><\/p>\n

Referred by his family and servant girl (who wishes to be anonymous<\/i>), Andrew Borden of Fall River has been a hoarder since anyone can remember. His daughters especially are at their wits end, and they say Andrew may never see them again after August. Faced with this ultimatum, he has agreed to accept help for his addiction.<\/span><\/p>\n

BLONDE ATTRACTIVE DOCTOR:<\/b> (The door of 92 Second street opens and an aged thin man appears.<\/i>) I\u2019m Doctor Ozzio. And you must be (both together<\/i>) Andrew Borden!<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> Yes. I am that.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. OZZIO:<\/b> Well, I\u2019m\u2014oh that\u2019s right. I already told you who I am. I\u2019m a licensed alienist, and I understand you have a problem with hoarding things, sir.<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>I do not think that I do; however, my daughters and wife think it.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. OZZIO: <\/b>And your servant girl!<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> (glaring up toward the attic floor and shaking fist<\/i>) Oh she does, does she? Well, we shall see how long she will be our work girl.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>I-I\u2019m sorry if I infringed on someone\u2019s privacy. You know, I could be wrong on this. Yes, I believe they told me that your servant did not tell us that you hoarded. Let\u2019s move on. May I come in?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> Standin\u2019 here is as good as sitting indoors. Besides, if you track dirt in, I have to pay the girl to sweep it up. But have it as you\u2019ll be satisfied. I do not want my family thinking I am not being cooperative. (opens front door and Dr. O enters<\/i>)<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O:<\/b> Well, things are nice and clean \u2013 very orderly, in spite of being outdated. Hmm, the kitchen is clean. And the dining room as well \u2013 in fact the table is set in preparation for the next meal. That is good organizing. (going from room to room downstairs<\/i>) I am impressed. May we continue upstairs?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> Of course. We must use the back stairway, though. The front stairway is, hm, is\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O:<\/b> (putting an arm on Andrew\u2019s shoulder<\/i>) Full of your hoarded things?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>No! I can show it to you to satisfy your suspicion, but that is not the reason. The reason is personal.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>I can accept that. And yes, I do want to at least see that staircase later. (climbing stairs together<\/i>) The stairs are uncluttered, at least up this staircase. And it looks as if the wood is even polished. Oh! This bedroom, whose is it?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> Myself and the Missus.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>That is usually one of the worst places for hoarders to just pile things up to the ceiling to the point that they have no real place to sleep. But there is no such problem here. (walking<\/i>) Nor in the dressing room. I\u2019ll just open this\u2014moldy mutton!<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> What\u2019s that? Did you find food up here?<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Mr. Borden, this door leading to the next room is locked. (puts her arm on Andrew\u2019s shoulder<\/i>) Is this where the hoarding begins?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>No. This door leads to my daughters\u2019 bedrooms. I can see from your expression you doubt me. Again, I must say the door is locked for a personal reason and I will have one of the \u2018girls\u2019 give you a peek inside later.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>I suppose that will have to do. Well, there is only one area left. The attic.<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>Climb to it if you wish. It is too warm a day for me to be going. But you won\u2019t find anything up there.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>No? (She goes up to the third floor alone and her footsteps can be heard clacking on the wooden floor.<\/i>) No! (She quickly comes down to the second level.<\/i>) Mr. Borden, I would like to know what is going on. Why were you referred to our newspaper as a hoarder? (She puts her hand on his shoulder.<\/i>) Oh, did you just need some attention?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> No. I rather like the shoulder touching. But as I said to you before, my being a hoarder is simply not true. They made it all up.<\/span><\/p>\n

(Voices can be heard from one of the rooms that is inaccessible to Dr. O.<\/i>)\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

AN IRISH ACCENT:<\/b> Pshaw! Lousy, stinkin\u2019, snake-like lies!<\/span><\/p>\n

YOUNG NEW ENGLAND WOMAN\u2019S VOICE: <\/b>Watch your tongue, Maggie. You said you did not wish to reveal yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

OLDER NEW ENGLAND WOMAN\u2019S VOICE: <\/b>He does not speak the truth, Dr. Ozzio.<\/span><\/p>\n

OLDER YET NEW ENGLAND WOMAN\u2019S VOICE: <\/b>Are you girls sure you want to go through with this? It could cause some changes in a certain will.<\/span><\/p>\n

YOUNG NEW ENGLAND WOMAN\u2019S VOICE: <\/b>Oh, pipe down, Flabby. You\u2019ve nothing to do with us nor anything in this house. You\u2019re just an old good for nothing thing. (louder<\/i>) The bahn! Look in the bahn!<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Mr. Borden, who are these people I hear? They may as well come out if they are your family.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>Yes, much as I dislike admitting it they are my family. Well, not the feisty one with the Irish accent. I think you can pretty much tell who that is.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dr. O: <\/b>(walking with Andrew downstairs<\/i>) I would get them out but am not quite certain what to say. Olly, olly, oxen-free?\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>Oh that it should be that simple. ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY OUT AND DOWNSTAIRS NOW OR I SEE ANDREW JENNINGS TOMORROW!<\/span><\/p>\n

(Abby, Lizzie and Emma Borden descend the stairs, Abby looking sheepish.<\/i>)<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>Oh, dear. I was hoping it would not come to this.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Well, Mrs. Borden. When I met with you before, I thought I made it clear that a clean recovery of a hoarder involves the entire family.<\/span><\/p>\n

LIZZIE: <\/b>Then why allow her to take part in it? She is not my mother, she is my step-mother.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>We all agreed to help and clean things out.<\/span><\/p>\n

LIZZIE: <\/b>Oh, yes. And \u201cMrs. Borden\u201d has a lot of brawn to her. She will be simply perfection for hauling out the heavy things.<\/span><\/p>\n

EMMA: <\/b>Or the particularly putrid matter. Simply perfection!<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>Oh, thank you, girls. It\u2019s the nicest thing you\u2019ve said to me in a long time.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>The barn?<\/span><\/p>\n

BORDEN <\/b>WOMEN: The bahn!<\/span><\/p>\n

(all, including Bridget, are in the barn<\/i>)<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Oh my stars! Where is that odor coming from?<\/span><\/p>\n

LIZZIE: <\/b>It depends on which one you refer to. My father murdered pigeons in here recently. The blood is still on the floor. We have a water closet in here that sometimes Mrs. Borden uses. And under the bahn my father throws our garbage. Does anything smell familiar?<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>I\u2019m not sure. But my aunt has perfume that smells exactly like it \u2013 a mixture of everything I guess.<\/span><\/p>\n

EMMA:<\/b> Father, are you not satisfied with selling eggs from the house? Have you been selling womens\u2019 scents as well?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>(clears his throat<\/i>) Of course not. Though therein lies an idea! (Abby shoots him a dirty look.<\/i>) An idea that I, I would never proceed with, to be sure.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Let\u2019s take a look under the bahn, if we may. I don\u2019t quite understand what \u201cunder the bahn\u201d means.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>It means what it says, madam. There is some space under the bahn all the way around it. I do use it for the disposal of leftover meals and such. And with all the Irish starch served here, there\u2019s quite a bit of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

BRIDGET: <\/b>Oh, bosh! Many\u2019s the day I\u2019ve seen him take rotten pears and chuck \u2018em under there.<\/span><\/p>\n

EMMA:<\/b> And old eggs that would not sell.<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>Anything that was once edible. He cannot bring himself to throw the scraps away, so he saves it.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>I see. Andrew, can you tell us why you feel the need to do this?<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>No.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>All right.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>What do we do about it, Doctor?<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Well, actually your husband does not need to do a thing. The city cracks down on hoarders that are interfering with the lives and harmony of their neighbors, and we have received no such calls from anyone on your street.<\/span><\/p>\n

EMMA: <\/b>B-but the filth \u2013 and the smell!<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>We could all work for a day and remove it all. Say, tomorrow?<\/span><\/p>\n

LIZZIE: <\/b>Impossible. I don\u2019t get up before nine.<\/span><\/p>\n

EMMA: <\/b>I am rarely at home, so it would have to be without me. In fact I have a visit to leave for tomorrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

BRIDGET:<\/b> Well, I ain\u2019t gonna do this. I wouldn\u2019t get paid any extra.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>So that leaves the cat, Andrew and Abby.<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW:<\/b> Business tomorrow. Can\u2019t make it.<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY:<\/b> Dr. Bowen, he\u2019s our family physician across the street, has told me I need to start taking it easier with my age.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR.O: <\/b>And how old are you, Mrs. Borden?<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>Sixty-four or Sixty-seven.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>Then removal is out of the question. Unless Mr. Borden would like to pay someone to\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

ANDREW: <\/b>No.<\/span><\/p>\n

DR. O: <\/b>We would only take action on this if it proved to be some kind of a hazard to the neighborhood. Like if it attracted rats to the area.<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>We have a cat that is an excellent mouser.<\/span><\/p>\n

LIZZIE: <\/b>Yes \u2026 a cat \u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

ABBY: <\/b>She hasn\u2019t been around for a few days, but she will take off for God knows where and then come home again. She really is an angel.<\/span><\/p>\n

LIZZIE: <\/b>I would agree with that. I think she is a real angel.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dr. O: <\/b>Well, toss her under the bahn every now and then to keep the rodent population at a minimum and all should be well. (extends her hand to Andrew.<\/i>) Thank you, Mr. Borden.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And thank you, dear readers for your loyalty to my column. Should you know of a person that hoards to the detriment of others, please contact \u201cFall River Hoarders\u201d in care of this publication. Watch for us next week when we pay a visit to Mr. Hyman Lubinsky who is said to stockpile ice cream in his basement.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Another hilarious work by Borden humorist Sherry Chapman.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":39,"featured_media":4923,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4702","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor-by-sherry-chapman"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4702","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/39"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4702"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4702\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5085,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4702\/revisions\/5085"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4923"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4702"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4702"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lizzieandrewborden.com\/hatchetonline\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4702"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}