Crazy life

[Societygirl1892]

As most of you can tell, I post pretty infrequently. There just always seems to be something going on.
Since the death of my mother in 2004, it almost seems like nothing is ever going to be "right" again in my world. Either that, or is it life just catching up with me now that I'm getting older?
My husband's father has been ill for the better part of the last year and a half, my father had a heart attack (he's fine now, thank God!), and just two weeks ago my sister in law had a massive brain aneursym, and she will probably never be able to care for herself ever again. Plus her memory is affected and somehow thinks I'm her daughter! I can't bear to tell our niece that her mother thinks I'm her!
I'm know I shouldn't complain and I am very blessed, but I was wondering if anyone else after suffering from such a devasting loss feels the same?
Pam

[1bigsteve]

As most of you can tell, I post pretty infrequently. There just always seems to be something going on.
Since the death of my mother in 2004, it almost seems like nothing is ever going to be "right" again in my world. Either that, or is it life just catching up with me now that I'm getting older?
My husband's father has been ill for the better part of the last year and a half, my father had a heart attack (he's fine now, thank God!), and just two weeks ago my sister in law had a massive brain aneursym, and she will probably never be able to care for herself ever again. Plus her memory is affected and somehow thinks I'm her daughter! I can't bear to tell our niece that her mother thinks I'm her!
I'm know I shouldn't complain and I am very blessed, but I was wondering if anyone else after suffering from such a devasting loss feels the same?

Pam

We all go through difficult times in our lives, Pam, and you are not alone in this. For some of us we get hit with everything at once and with others it comes a little at a time. As we get older more events will shake us. Sickness, loss of someone we care about, death of our parents, you name it and it will happen. It happens to us all.

I lost my Mom last year but fortunately I could see her death coming so, even though her death and suffering hurt me, her death was more of a relief. I was prepared for it. When I heard on the evening news (that is a painful way of hearing about it) a few years ago that a friend of mine had breast cancer I was totally unprepared for that and experienced emotional feelings I had never experienced before. She came out of it OK but I was a wreck for awhile. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to feel that way about another human being again. I feel that that experience helped me in coming to terms with my Mom's death.

I have taken comfort in knowing that I am not the first to experience hard times and I will not be the last. Misery seems to love company. The painful events in my life have made me much more sensitive to other people's suffering. You are going through hard times now, Pam, and you will go through more in the future, just like the rest of us.

One thing that has helped me probably more than anything else when I am dealing with hard times was something a friend said to me in one of her letters over 30 years ago, "I've had some good times, Steve, and I've had some bad but through it all I've learned to walk through life with my head held high. You can't change yesterday, it's over, it's gone and tomorrow may never come. What are you doing today?" I think of those words when I'm dealing with problems. They give me the motivation to focus on "today" rather than yesterday or tomorrow.

Time is natures way of keeping everything from happing to us all at once and life can make you feel like you are pushing around a bucket of crap with a short stick. I feel for you, Pam. I know what you are going through. Just take everything a day at a time and be thankful you are only 35. Things don't ever get "right" again, they just get different, like the pages of a book.

Time heals everything. I speak from experience. It's not easy, Pam, but hang in there. I'll be pulling for you.

-1bigsteve (o:

[shakiboo]

Hi Pam, what 1bigsteve says is right, I lost my father, and a few years later my son died of cancer, I lean heavily on God. Like the footprints picture that you've probably seen, when there's just one set of footprints in lifes sands, that's when He's carrying you. I remember that during hard times and also, if He leads you to it, He will help you through it! Don't know what I would have done without Him. He's there, He cares, and it's free, all you have to do is ask. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you......

[Societygirl1892]

I appreciate the replies. I know it seemed like I was having my very own "pity party". I am very blessed and like you said, things will never be "right" just different, and that isn't so bad. I am spiritual in my own way and know that the Lord most definitely works in the most mysterious of ways and everything happens for a reason. I say to my husband all the time, these things wouldn't have happened if my mom was still here. I just think sometimes that if she didn't die, it would make everything all better, and how childish and selfish and ridiculous is that? My mom had been sick for about a year and a half, and I knew it was coming, and in the beginning I did feel relief for her. She was trapped in a body she couldn't use. She hated being like that. But after a few days, I was like now what??? So much of my time was spent caring for her, that I sometimes feel I forgot who I was. Even my Lizzie mania has suffered, it's almost like I don't enjoy things as much as I used to. I have a wonderful husband who I love very much, but since the night my mom died, there is this piece of my heart that I will never get back, and I feel empty somehow. And with everything going on, it all goes back to Mom, who of course I ran to when I was little and she made things "all better" like all mothers do.
But just being able to talk and get it out helps. I just so wish she was here...
"they miss you most who loved you best"
Pam

[Kat]

That's all very sad stuff Pammie.
I'm very sorry for your painful trials.
That was so nice of bigsteve and shakiboo to respond to you in such heartfelt ways.

It sounds like you are depressed.
Losing interest in things is a sign I think.
You should take care of yourself. Now that you can concentrate a bit more on You since your mom is gone.
Take walks, hot baths, listen to music, be quiet and think.
You might consider seeing your doctor or a counselor.
If you had Hospice, they offer grief counseling.

You might try to think of what your mom would have wanted for you. She would have probably wanted you to remember her at her best, brightest and happiest. And she would want you to move on and be happy.

As for your sister- you can't suffer for her- it is her load to carry- you can only help, but don't try to take on that pain.
I always say: It can always be twice as good, but it can never be half as bad.
Meaning: we can double the good times by sharing it with others but grief cannot be cut in half by sharing it. It's just something you go thru and wait to come out the other end.

But yes by all means talk about it. I found that some people won't even mention the one who has passed. I believe in talking about that person as much as if they were still around- and sharing memories.

Good luck to you!

[RayS]

After Laura Ingalls Wilder mother, father, and sister died she began to write her memories of their time together. Would doing something like that help you?
Writing about this may help you feel better. But if needed, see your doctor.

[Societygirl1892]

I think I'm depressed too. I go through "blue periods" and then come out of it. When I'm stressed which is a lot lately, that's when it seems to come through more.
I've tried writing in a journal and a lot of anger came out, but looking back and re-reading it, it seems weird to me. Maybe I need to just write and then not read it?
I have to say though I enjoy being back posting and reading and am going to make it a point to stay around. I think part of my problem is I worry too much about everyone else and don't take enough time for myself. I can take some "me" and still give to the ones I love, I just need to find a balance.
And by the way, I have wonderful news. Dave's sister came off the ventilator, has been moved to the neuro ICU-stepdown, and was even walking around with the assistance of the nurses. We couldn't be happier.
Thanks for all of your support, it so appreciated.
Pammie

[Kat]

Wow! Congratulations!

Yes take care of you too. That's a good thing to do. If you don't, who will?
For depression, jump in a really hot shower and just stand there and cry or empty your mind.