Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 11:17 pm
Yes PIPPI: Though I don't know you, please allow me to convey my apology about your mom.
I think that your worry is for nothing. Perhaps you are being to harsh on yourself. I suspect that you were taken off gaurd and surprised by the way you handled the whole ordeal and in judging yourself harshly, you are thinking others are doing the same.
When someone suffers a long illness, one that they are not expected to survive, we start grieving slowly and over a long period of time. The expected shock, when death comes, hits us a lot less sever. It is a long, painful, tiring road, and acceptance, though not any easier, much buffered by the lenght of time that we were given to prepare.
But as this time goes by, there is no reason to act as a monk. And I don't think anyone is judging you, and perhaps, are probably thinking, "I hope I can be that strong when someone close to me passes."
You sound like a very strong person, one that is there for someone when they need you. I am afraid I am not. I did not go to my fathers, brothers, or best friends wake or funeral. Many were confused, those close to me fully understood. No one dared have a harsh word about my absense. If they did it was not important. What was important was the loved ones around me. And none of them begrudged me for it. Everyone handles death in their own way. The way you handled it, by being there with Mom till the end, was admiralble. I would never be able to do it.
I think you must deal with how you feel about yourself, and not worry about others. Our loved ones would want us to return to normal life as soon as possible.
I had to coach my mom when my dad died. She constantly worried about not wearing black all the time. She wore black for one year, and unlike many of her contemporaries, these old world people, who would wear all black all their lives.
I think that your Mom propably raised a person of strong character, and moral fiber, one with the tools to handle death life or what ever the world throws at you. In doing so, I think you are surprise by how well you are handling the affair. And because of society and thier expectations, it has thrown you into a stumble of concern, and shackling you with guilt. And guilt is a normal thing to feel, but not a normal thing to wallow in. You probably know this.
Your mom would want you to go about life and do well, and it is the best memorial you can give her, to take care of yourself, her child, for who she would lay down her life for. All mother's would. best revenge, to see their child happy. What everyone around you thinks on the matter should be of little concern to you. You loved her dearly, you know that , she knew that, and that is all that is important. But I think in being concern about what people will say about you, going on with your life, is more about you and not them. That is to say your guilt is stopping, and making you ask, "I wonder how I am precieved." I think that loved ones around you are probably carrying only compassion for you, no matter how you display yourself. That's all that should matter.
I had a good friend, who had a wife who was in a coma and was brain dead. He took care of her at home for 6 years. Her bed was right in the middle of the livingroom. When I went over to his house I was expected to act normal. We played video games, watched movies, cranked up Metalica CD's. And shared it with his wife. He even had parties.
He had these large picture windows on the front of his house. You could see his wife in the bed, a room full of people dancing, talking, drinking. Drunks falling in his shrubs, no diffrent than years pass. Upon approching the house it appeared that a mad man lived there. How cruel could someone be. Even I would approach the house and think, something wrong with this picture.
But you know, there was not. He loved his wife dearly and life went on just like it did when she was healthy. She use to make a mean margarita and everyone would have one with her.
He even took her to Vermont to a lake where they use to go every year. He would spend a bundle to hire an ambulance to take her 300 miles. He wanted his wife, even if she had no idea what was going on, to live a normal life. The last thing his wife would want was all of us around her bed grieving, praying and crying. How morbid is that for the ill or dying.
They were dear friends. One day I was looking at her and feeling real bad. I started to choke and my friend came over placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Michael if your going to get upset, I don't think my wife would want you here."
When I asked him if he was concerned about what his neigbhors thought. He crudely said, "that is why God gave us one finger much longer than all the others.
Of course we are not all as practical as my friend or as weak as I am, most of people are somewhere in the middle, and I think you are probably closer to him than to me, and that's a good thing. It shows strenght. And you should not confuse that with guilt. Try to get happy. It's what mom would want.
I think that your worry is for nothing. Perhaps you are being to harsh on yourself. I suspect that you were taken off gaurd and surprised by the way you handled the whole ordeal and in judging yourself harshly, you are thinking others are doing the same.
When someone suffers a long illness, one that they are not expected to survive, we start grieving slowly and over a long period of time. The expected shock, when death comes, hits us a lot less sever. It is a long, painful, tiring road, and acceptance, though not any easier, much buffered by the lenght of time that we were given to prepare.
But as this time goes by, there is no reason to act as a monk. And I don't think anyone is judging you, and perhaps, are probably thinking, "I hope I can be that strong when someone close to me passes."
You sound like a very strong person, one that is there for someone when they need you. I am afraid I am not. I did not go to my fathers, brothers, or best friends wake or funeral. Many were confused, those close to me fully understood. No one dared have a harsh word about my absense. If they did it was not important. What was important was the loved ones around me. And none of them begrudged me for it. Everyone handles death in their own way. The way you handled it, by being there with Mom till the end, was admiralble. I would never be able to do it.
I think you must deal with how you feel about yourself, and not worry about others. Our loved ones would want us to return to normal life as soon as possible.
I had to coach my mom when my dad died. She constantly worried about not wearing black all the time. She wore black for one year, and unlike many of her contemporaries, these old world people, who would wear all black all their lives.
I think that your Mom propably raised a person of strong character, and moral fiber, one with the tools to handle death life or what ever the world throws at you. In doing so, I think you are surprise by how well you are handling the affair. And because of society and thier expectations, it has thrown you into a stumble of concern, and shackling you with guilt. And guilt is a normal thing to feel, but not a normal thing to wallow in. You probably know this.
Your mom would want you to go about life and do well, and it is the best memorial you can give her, to take care of yourself, her child, for who she would lay down her life for. All mother's would. best revenge, to see their child happy. What everyone around you thinks on the matter should be of little concern to you. You loved her dearly, you know that , she knew that, and that is all that is important. But I think in being concern about what people will say about you, going on with your life, is more about you and not them. That is to say your guilt is stopping, and making you ask, "I wonder how I am precieved." I think that loved ones around you are probably carrying only compassion for you, no matter how you display yourself. That's all that should matter.
I had a good friend, who had a wife who was in a coma and was brain dead. He took care of her at home for 6 years. Her bed was right in the middle of the livingroom. When I went over to his house I was expected to act normal. We played video games, watched movies, cranked up Metalica CD's. And shared it with his wife. He even had parties.
He had these large picture windows on the front of his house. You could see his wife in the bed, a room full of people dancing, talking, drinking. Drunks falling in his shrubs, no diffrent than years pass. Upon approching the house it appeared that a mad man lived there. How cruel could someone be. Even I would approach the house and think, something wrong with this picture.
But you know, there was not. He loved his wife dearly and life went on just like it did when she was healthy. She use to make a mean margarita and everyone would have one with her.
He even took her to Vermont to a lake where they use to go every year. He would spend a bundle to hire an ambulance to take her 300 miles. He wanted his wife, even if she had no idea what was going on, to live a normal life. The last thing his wife would want was all of us around her bed grieving, praying and crying. How morbid is that for the ill or dying.
They were dear friends. One day I was looking at her and feeling real bad. I started to choke and my friend came over placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Michael if your going to get upset, I don't think my wife would want you here."
When I asked him if he was concerned about what his neigbhors thought. He crudely said, "that is why God gave us one finger much longer than all the others.
Of course we are not all as practical as my friend or as weak as I am, most of people are somewhere in the middle, and I think you are probably closer to him than to me, and that's a good thing. It shows strenght. And you should not confuse that with guilt. Try to get happy. It's what mom would want.
