Lizzie Borden Society Forum

I just received a joke email from a friend and thought it might be fun to make it into a Lizzie based joke. Does anyone have any others that could be made over with a little tweaking? Anyhoo, here it is:


During a Fruit and Flower Mission visit to the Danvers State Insane Asylum, Lizzie Borden asked the Director of the hospital what
the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"O, I understand," said Lizzie. "A normal person would use the
bucket to empty the bathtub because it is so much bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would simply pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

This isn't exactly a "converted" joke, but here goes anyway:

As we all know, Alice Russell spent the night of August 4, 1892, at the Borden house. She and Lizzie had originally intended to bunk in together, since Lizzie's room contained both a lounge and a bed.

While the ladies were preparing for bed, Alice casually asked: "Lizzie, did your father leave a will?"

"I have no idea," Lizzie responded, "and I've axed him again and again."

Alice thereupon decided to spend the night in Abby and Andrew's room instead.

These are great!
Thanks you guys.
I love the made up jokes, and the re-vamped jokes!

That was cute, Edisto, I liked it. With the stress of the holiday season upon us, its great to have some laughs. Heres another one:


One day Lizzie and Emma decided to go ice fishing. Lizzie cut at the ice with her trusty hatchet to make a hole for their fishing rods, when a voice boomed in the air around them, 'YOU WILL FIND NO FISH IN THAT HOLE.'

Lizzie and Emma were dumbfounded, but after a whispered conversation decided that the voice must be from the heavens and probably knew what it was talking about. So, they moved farther along to another spot on the ice where Lizzie started hacking at the ice with her hatchet once more. Once again the voice boomed out, 'YOU WILL FIND NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!'

The two women were more than a little upset, but nevertheless they decided to try again. This time, as soon as Lizzie's hatchet hit the ice, the voice thundered angrily 'YOU WILL FIND NO FISH IN THAT HOLE EITHER!' Lizzie had had enough and yelled back, 'Is...Is that you God?' The voice snapped back at her, 'NO, I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS ICE SKATING RINK.'

Oops, we crossed paths, Kat. You are most welcome.

Heres another joke:

Police Work

The phone rings at the Fall River Police headquarters. Marshall Hilliard picks up the phone.

"Hello, Fall River Police."

"Hello? This is John Morse, I'm calling to report my brother-in-law, Andrew Borden. He is hiding opium inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir, we'll get right on it."

The next day, police officers descend upon the Borden's house. They search the cellar where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no opium. They swear that Mr. Morse is a fool and leave.

The phone rings 5 minutes later at John Morse's house.

"Hello, Andrew, did the police come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

That is SO GOOD! Thanks for the chuckle!!

Andrew Borden is on his way home after doing some work at his Bank. On the way Andrew sees a homeless man eating dirty grass on the side of the road. Andrew says to the homeless man "Hey you don't have to do that, that grass is all covered in road dirt, come home with me."

The man is very gratefull for the invitation, he anxiously starts following Andrew home. "I have a wife and she is homeless too" says the man. "Bring her along" says Andrew. "I have four children and they are also homeless" says the man. "They can come as well" says Andrew. "I also have many grandchildren who are homeless." says the man. "Uhhh.... okay they can come too" says Andrew. "I also have many nieces, nephews and cousins that are homeless" says the man. "Now wait just a dog gone minute" says Andrew "Just how big do you think my Lawn is anyway?"

Good one, Fargo. I just hope they don't have to do the backyard where all the slops went.