The art of being a man, simplified.
Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:31 am
A friend sent me this:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire hanger long after hypothermia or heat stroke has set in. AAA is
not an option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer
and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And
never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother too. _____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... And if you
are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like
looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.
_____________________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
the Male.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire hanger long after hypothermia or heat stroke has set in. AAA is
not an option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer
and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And
never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother too. _____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... And if you
are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like
looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.
_____________________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
the Male.
