Dear Abby, April/May, 2004

by Sherry Chapman

First published in April/May, 2004, Volume 1, Issue 2 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby –

I am visiting Fall River and I must say that I am enjoying the city and its residents immensely. I find these light bulb jokes I am hearing to be quite delightful. Here is one that may even stump you.  How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? —Thomas Edison 

Dear Thomas –

A watt?

Dear Abby –

My little boy ate too much ice cream last Sunday and had a stomach ache for several days. The next time this happens, and I suspect it will since the child loves the frozen treat, what do you suggest I do? — Mom on Mulberry Street

Dear Mom –

I suggest you consult with Dr. Cone.

Dear Abby –

I got a letter from Mr. Hosea Knowlton sayin’ he wants me to testify at some trial comin’ up. He is gonna have me say that I didn’t see anyone comin’ away from some house on Second Street one mornin’, which is no trouble. I’m writin’ you to ask which goes better with brown pants? Yellow or blue? I need to know so I can tell my daughter which shirt to set out for me. I am blind. — C. I. Cant, Rodman Street

Dear Mr. Cant –

Yellow would be best.

Dear Abby –

I am a grocer in New Bedford. With the Easter holiday coming soon, customers are going to be coming in to buy eggs to dye. Last year a good many of them asked me how to do the process, and I didn’t know. Can you help me out, Abby, by telling me how one colors eggs? — Daniel Driscoll

Dear Mr. Driscoll –

You can buy store-bought dye at the Dry Goods. Or you can make your own at home. The colors may not be as bright, but you will save a few pennies and have the satisfaction of doing it yourself. Take a natural product, such as a vegetable or a flower, and if it leaves a stain on your hand when you rub it between your fingers, it will make a good dye. Simply boil the article in a pot, and drop a hard boiled egg in for about a minute. It is hard to believe Easter is almost here. My own family is already excited about it and looking forward to the eggs I do that are fresh off our farm in the country — and just 2 cents each, delivered or pickup at 92 Second Street, which is still cheaper than anyone else in town. Anyway, just the other day, I overheard my step-daughters saying they wish I’d hurry up and dye. They do enjoy the colors.

Dear Abby-

What did ‘cured ham’ really have? — Waiting for a Cure, Building A, Room 204, Taunton

Dear Waiting,

I thought this was an excellent question. I took it to my friend and cross-street neighbor, whom shall remain nameless, and asked his opinion. He laughed at me and said he would never again take me seriously. I will see a butcher soon. Hopefully one that will take me quite serious.

This edition of Dear Abby

was sponsored by:

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Ida Gray

Dressmaker

27 Whipple Street

Fall River

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“If you need a dress for a Special Day

Come to me — Ida Gray.”

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10% off any dress with a good gossipy story