Dear Abby, February/March, 2006

by Sherry Chapman

First published in February/March, 2006, Volume 3, Issue 1 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby,
I was at church Bingo last week and could not help but notice how lucky your Lizzie is!  She must have won $5 in all.  Can you share any of her successful tips? –  Bea Tenn, Eight Rod Way

Dear Bea,
I do not know of any real methods she may use.  I believe the game of Bingo to be one largely of chance.  However, I do notice one thing regarding such amusements.  Whenever Lizzie is asked her choice on coin flipping, she always takes tails.  She says heads can be beaten.

Dear Abby,
My wife and I have been married for six years and have three children.  She has left me and gone to live with her father – a distinguished banker, just a year younger than herself.  She says she is simply tired of me, the beatings and cursings.  She can be quite brutal when inebriated.  I cannot sleep at night.  I cannot eat.  I lost my job.  What can I do, Abby?  I live in anguish.  – Floyd J. Wells, ex math instructor, Fall River High School

Dear Mr. Wells,
Why, your wife will never find you if she does come back.  The first thing you should do is move from Anguish back to your prior residence.  

Dear Abby,
Can you tell me what is 87 over three minus 119 over seven?  – Thomas Barlow, aspiring student

Dear Thomas,
I will try. Eighty-seven over three minus 119 over seven.  Hmm.  Whew!  I just returned from the guest room.  Using Lizzie’s 87 dresses and my three, and Lizzie’s 119 brooches and mine and Emma’s combined amount of 7, I think the final answer may be 12.  I hope I have helped you.

Dear Abby,
I am compiling a list of good Fall River restaurants for a tourist brochure.  I plan to put in a little bit about each eating establishment in the city.  Bam!  Excuse me, just a fly.  I have noticed your daughter, Lizzie, often patronizing various restaurants in the area.  Do you know what her favorite restaurant is?  – Zephaniah Emeril Lagasse, Sixth Street

Dear Mr. Lagasse,
Mr. Borden will be distressed to learn that Lizzie dines out so frequently.  She has no reason to, as the food here is perfectly fine when it is not rotted.  But yes, I have heard her speaking to her sister of various places she has dined.  She likes Tripp’s restaurant, but says there is a bump in the carpeting people often stumble over.  She will not go to the Mellen House at all because she says too many attorneys gather there which makes it hard for her to talk to sister Emma, and that with such a big place they ought to serve something besides melon (I agree with that).  I have not heard her complain about the Chinese restaurant that just opened.  And I have heard her say outright that her favorite place is the Chop House.

Dear Abby,
My husband’s employer had us to dinner a few weeks ago.  My husband now thinks it is time that we return the favor.  Oh, Abby, I am a good housewife.  I am a good cleaner, a good mother, a good seamstress.  But I am not a good cook.  The last time I tried to make a simple meat loaf, I drowned the meat in too much water.  (I could swear the recipe said to do that.)  What should I do, Abby?  Just not invite them over?  – Mrs. Elizabeth Edson Crocker

Dear Mrs. Crocker,
Now why would you not want to have your husband’s boss to dinner?  There is one thing you can make as well as any other woman in Fall River.  It’s called a ‘reservation’.

Confidential to Mr. B of Fall River:  I have asked Marshal Hilliard if an undertaker has broken the law if he has removed the feet of the deceased in order to fit the body into a smaller coffin.  The Marshal said no law was actually broken; however, and I agree with him, it is a matter of morals and decency.  And do not worry about me revealing anyone’s identity who writes me confidentially.  Especially you – my husband!

THIS ISSUE’S COLUMN OF ‘DEAR ABBY’

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