Dear Abby, May, 2007

by Sherry Chapman

First published in May/June, 2007, Volume 4, Issue 2, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dearest Readers—
Mrs. Borden is still saying she is suffering from her winter complaint (bronchitis), though it looks as if she is eating large portions for someone who is supposed to be so ill. I was not her first choice as a substitute for her for this issue. She approached my younger sister who said—well, I do not wish to reveal all that was said—but her answer was a distinct no. I stepped in to help Baby Lizzie. Salutations have been changed to prevent confusion.—Emma L. Borden

Dear Emma,
Someone came to my door not long ago and asked me if I knew of any insanity coming from the Morse side of the family. I cannot imagine why a person would be doing this, but it did get me to thinking, considering I do not live far from you. Is there any? Should townsfolk be aware of anything?—Name Withheld at 96 Second Street

Dear 96,
Do you actually think you are hiding your identity when you put your address out for all to see? Now that is a little off kilter to me. Of course there is no insanity in my family. Who was the person that came to your door asking about the Morses? Father has many enemies, and my sister Lizzie was recently warning me that I had better sleep with one eye open. Was it one of Hilliard’s men? Or one of Mr. Knowlton’s of New Bedford? I have seen a man follow me home some evenings when I am out late—oh, six or seven at night. He thinks that I do not see him, but he is wrong. I see him. I continue home as if he does not exist, so that he does not get any satisfaction that my fearful beating heart may betray. I just saw someone walk past my window. Yes! It is he! He is stopping now by the fence in front. I shall continue my typing so as not to give him notice. He—he is inside our fence. And he is walking up to our front door. My head—she bang, she bang. The buzzer rings. Oh, Maggie, Maggie, do not answer it, for this may be the night that our roof burns over our heads. Maggie is not answering it. Well, I am not a servant of the house. I will not do it. Strange. I called for Maggie and she says no one is at the door. Why, I can still see him. Thankfully he is going away. Returning to an answer for ‘96’. Tell me ‘96’. Who was the $*%&$^#^! that came to your door???

Dear Emma,
Can you tell me what 598776 divided by 20 is? I need the answer by Friday.—Tommy Barlowe, Fall River High School

Dear Tommy,
That would be $29,938.80. I asked Father to figure it out, and he is only good at math if there is a dollar sign involved.

Dear Emma,
I am working on a crossword puzzle. Can you give me a six-letter word meaning “stepmother”?—Solution Seeker of Seekonk

Dear Solution Seeker,
It would not be ‘parent’, because you are talking about a step-parent. One should never forget one’s parents, nor any deathbed promises made to them. Try “rotten”. Or “greedy”. “Wicked” or “smelly” are other possibilities.

Dear Emma,
I am a young lady in my 20’s and unmarried. I live with my parents, as all self-respecting girls do who do not yet have a husband. I cannot get along with my parents. My mother is always hollering at me to find a husband. My father is always hollering at me to find a job. How can I live in this wretched household day after day until I am one day set free?—Desperate Daughter 

Dear Desperate Daughter,
I can understand your feelings of frustration in your household. See Winward. For wood. He sells the best wood in Fall River, of which you can re-enforce your walls for soundproofing or make another room that can perhaps give you more privacy and space from them. 

Dear Emma,
There is a dispute occurring over an old camera that is for sale at the Salvation Army store in town. The people there insist that it was owned by Matthew Brady and was used to take portraits of President Lincoln. Myself and two others, who are members of the Quequechan Club, pointed out the date on the underside of the camera, which was 1876. The store says, well, it might have been put on there after and they refuse to give a recantation. So I am writing this letter in order for it simply to be published so that what I believe to be the true history of the camera is known. Can you understand, please, and print this?—Halitosis Carmichael III

Dear Mr. Carmichael,
I get the picture. Here is your letter.