Dear Abby, November, 2006

by Sherry Chapman

First published in November/December, 2006, Volume 3, Issue 4, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby,
I had occasion to be in your house once, and I could not help but notice the painting over the red and black sofa in the sitting room. Can you tell me anything about the picture? Where might I find another? —Officer Allen, FRPD

Dear Officer Allen,
Thank you for your compliment regarding the sitting room framed print. I do not know where you can find another, as it came with the house when Mr. Borden purchased it. I do not know if it has a title or who the artist was. All I know is when I first saw it, I was immediately drawn to it.

Dear Abby,
I am Dr. Seabury Bowen’s file clerk. Since the doctor is out of town I am writing to you. In your daughter Lizzie’s record there is nothing written down for one of her basic health questions. So that I can complete her chart, can you tell me if she has ever broken any bones? —Many Thanks, Fanny White, City Hospital

Dear Fanny,
Yes. She broke my arm once, nearly pulling it right out of its socket. I would think it merely a matter of time before she breaks one of Emma’s arms to boot, as she is always twisting them. Do cats count? And there was that school friend she spent the night with  . . .  

Dear Abby,
I am an avid reader of books. I just finished a good mystery novel and cannot find anything to read that looks to be of interest. Can you recommend a book or two (any genre) that you have read? —Rapid Reader, Westport

Dear Rapid Reader,
I am not much of a reader myself, but our youngest, Lizzie, is. She is always reading the latest novel or travel guide. I asked her what she is reading now. She is reading two books (I told you she is a reader!). They are called: “Poisons and How to Use Them” and “Spurts, Spatters and Stains: a Modern Study of Human Blood.”

Dear Abby,
I regret telling you this, but your Lizzie is telling people that you are ‘good for nothing’. What a terrible thing to say. Step-mothers always get a bum rap. —Mrs. Caroline Kirby, 4th Street

Dear Mrs. Kirby,
I had heard this one year just before Christmas. It was the year Lizzie wanted a sealskin cape. That is how I fix the time as Christmas. You have it all wrong, dear. Lizzie explained that what she meant by it was that I was good doing nothing – that I am content and behave most civilly when others would be complaining that they are bored.

Dear Abby,
Do you like Ragtime? —Rudy “Toot Toot” Hartley, Fall River

Dear Sir,
These things are not discussed in public and, if they simply must be, a more delicate phrase should be used.

Confidential to Rudy “Toot Toot” Hartley: At my age, I do not even have them anymore.