Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in October/November, 2004, Volume 1, Issue 5 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
Dear Abby,
I am in desperate straits, Abby, and I hope that you can help. Every Saturday night my husband comes home inebriated and wanting to take liberties with me. I get angry because this is the only time he treats me with any loving emotion, and I end up first arguing with him, then inevitably I start hurling anything I can get my hands on. I am afraid that if I do not curb my temper I’ll end up killing the man. What do you do to control your temper? —Patience Higgins, Dwelly Street
Dear Patience,
Actually I do not have much of a temper. I tend to take most things lying down.
Dear Abby,
I was going threw some woods near the Steep Brook area last week and was abare. I thouht I should rite to let peeple now, in case they wander in those woods, exspechully the yung ladies. They need to now what to do if they come acrost somethin like this. —Bareman in Flint Village
Dear Bareman,
I think you meant to write that you “saw a bear.” But I am not completely sure. In either case, ladies, scream. The noise should run off either.
Dear Abby,
My wife bought me one of those new jigsaws for my birthday. The picture on the box looks simple enough – a lovely black and white photograph of the Fall River Bleachery. I have tried on several occasions to assemble it, but it is quite difficult because all the pieces are the same color. Perhaps the maker left out the instructions. Or is there a method to putting it together? —Alexander Clorox, Swansea
Dear Mr. Clorox,
I have yet to own a jigsaw. When I would have time in the evening to devote to something like that, our lighting is rather dim in the house. I am sorry you are having difficulty with yours. It must be quite puzzling.
Dear Abby,
I have just found out my husband is a bigamist. We have been married for ten years and have nine children together. I have given him my youth, my life and my love. His second wife has fourteen children by him and lives in near-squalor. He is in the City Jail, and he will be tried later this fall. I am curious, Abby. What do they do to bigamists in the Commonwealth? I am eager to learn what his punishment will be. —Ann Tissipashun, Third Street
Dear Ann,
In my opinion, this man you married is simply despicable. At the very least, he needs to take care of all the people in the two families he has created. Let’s hope he is ordered to remain married to you both.
Confidential to “Worried Mother in Swansea”: Tell your little girl not to worry. The teasing rhyme her cruel playmates have made up about her will soon be forgotten and go completely away. A quatrain of such a crude sort cannot last long.
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