Hannah’s Haven of Household Hints

by Sherry Chapman

First published in August/September, 2004, Volume 1, Issue 4, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Hannah’s Haven of Household Hints

by Hannah Chapman

Man works from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done. It just never is. Unless you are lucky enough to have more than one work girl like the people who live on The Hill, which most of us do not. I don’t go to bed and count sheep. I count the chores coming up for the next day and fall asleep half way through the list. Or I should say, “I used to.” That was before I started to ask myself some questions: What are we killing ourselves for? Sew a patch on a child’s clothing, just to have it outgrown? Pull weeds around the yard and have them come back twice as thick in a few weeks? Dust the furniture to make way for the new dust that will accumulate all over again?

Most of our chores are repetitive and unnecessarily so. Some of these tasks we can’t get rid of, such as washing the dishes, emptying the chamber pots, laundering the clothes, and cooking. These I daily faithfully ask my work girl to tend to. 

If you are new at being the mistress of the household, and read this with skepticism, try this test. Go ahead and do every single chore that is expected of you. Then, when your husband comes home in the evening, see if he comments on one thing other than his dinner. When he doesn’t (and he won’t), multiply the feeling of disappointment you have at his lack of appreciation for your hard work by 10 or 20 years. 

There is someone who will notice, though. And that is Company. That is where my Haven of Household Hints can not only save your housekeeping reputation, but also leave guests with the impression that you do work—hard and constantly. 

• Place a carpet sweeper in the middle of the sitting room floor. It gives visitors (or your husband) the impression that you were in the middle of cleaning and just got tuckered out. For added effect, a rug beater can be placed on a side table as if your next task was to use it.

• Burning a lemon-scented candle works well – smells like you’ve been polishing furniture or scrubbing floors. People cannot actually see what you have “cleaned” and assume you have been off working in other rooms.

• A smudge of flour on your nose has your guest thinking you were busy in the kitchen. Simmering a pan of cinnamon and cloves brings visions of cookie baking to mind.

• Answering the door with a dish towel in your hand gives the impression that you are busy doing dishes. A rag is better yet. Then no one knows just what you were doing, but it must be something that needed elbow grease. A dust cap atop the head can be added if there is time.

• Can’t find a dish towel or rag? Answering the door in a slightly hurried manner, short of breath, convinces the caller that you were doing something strenuous. Acting slightly distracted with a glance or two back over your shoulder and blowing upward toward stray hair or non-existent perspiration works quite well. This “mystery chore” also does double duty in making the caller feel guilty for coming over unannounced and will probably stop him or her from doing it again.

• Telling people “It’s the servant girl’s day off” is worth a try. But, better yet, saying that she has been off visiting her sick relative in Boston the last two weeks allows for a build up of things-not-cleaned. Be specific on which relative.

• Weeds around the house starting to be noticeable? Say that they grew back from all the rain two weeks ago. Nobody remembers the weather two weeks ago, but if by some surprise a person did, it would take a bit of reflection, and by that time you are safely on to another subject.

• Wearing one of your best street dresses around the house works well when company pops in unannounced. It looks like you have been out most of the day and simply have not been at home to do anything. This looks even better if you set the hat that goes with your outfit on a table by the door, as if you have just taken it off.

• Sewing is easy to avoid. Accept the article of clothing from the child or spouse. When they have left the room, put it in the closet in a sack marked “Ironing.” If the family member inquires about it, which is doubtful, you can truthfully say it is in the ironing. The “ironing sack” is a boon to you also when someone looks in the closet and sees the big bag of ironing you have to do but have been too busy to get to. Do not look in the ironing sack for 2 years or more. By that time a child will have outgrown the garment and the spouse will have outweighed it.

• Never vacuum again if you get a carpet that is dirt-colored to begin with.

• Garbage piling up in the yard? If there is no one in your household that will take care of it, then it is not a “garbage pile.” Simply change its name to “mulch.” Draw the line, though, should it attract rats.

• Not cooking the evening meal is fairly simple to achieve. Fill two pans: one with several whole potatoes and half as much water as you would normally use to boil them; one with bread torn in large pieces, a cup or so of milk and sprinkle on some pungent sage. Set the potatoes on top of the stove to cook. Put the bread pan in the oven on a high heat. Before long both foods should burn, filling the kitchen with smoke and smell. Do not worry what the dishes were supposed to be. They will be unrecognizable. When your husband comes home and sees you in near-tears and the gallant effort you put in to making the meal, he will no doubt do the gentlemanly thing and escort his Lady Fair out to dinner. This is best done no more than 45 minutes before his arrival, to be sure that he gets the full effect of the necessity for dining out.

• An alternative to the above is “Trying Out a New Recipe.” Put some things in a bowl and mix together (almost any incompatible ingredients will do). Undercook so that any meat is still pink and any eggs still runny. Present it to your husband as a new dish you tried. This will insure an evening meal out also. (There is a nasty meat loaf recipe a lady on Second Street has. Should you run across it, I recommend using it since you would then have ‘proof’ on paper that such a recipe does exist. Or you can write up your own.) Note: This will not work a second time if you continue to use the same ‘bad’ recipe.

Whether you wish to lounge around the house the entire day, or just need a little help from time to time, these methods are tried and true. Remember: If someone tells you that nobody ever died from hard work, don’t believe them.

(“Hannah Chapman” is a pen name of Sherry Chapman.)