Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in December/January, 2004-2005, Volume 1, Issue 6, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
Household Hints
Removing Cat Fur: This method is so successful, you need only do this once. Wet a rag (if you have a bag of rags, which we do not) and wipe up any cat fur you can see. It is a tedious task, and to do a good job it will take most of one day. Just before you start—and this is the key to the process—make the cat simply ‘disappear.’ There will be no more cat fur to clean again.
Polishing Furniture in Your Bedroom or Guest Room: Whacks. Really put your arm into it for the best results.
Removing Blood Stains:
On Walls: Try to get another household member to wash the item with a cleaning agent and water five days later. It washes off easier and more completely after five days.
On Clothing: Wear something dark if you think you may encounter blood on a particular day. For small stains, do not worry as no one will notice them, especially if there is a major distraction going on at the time. For larger stains, wearing an old dress over your clothing works well. Then simply shred the garment and burn.
On Yourself: Soap and water. Or just water. You need not dump the water and washing rags out immediately. If you are asked what it is, referring to your “fleas” causes the inquirer to change the subject quickly (Note: This only works if you are a woman).
On Carpeting: It is best if the stain is cut out and replaced with a piece of matching carpet. That is, if the carpet is still in style and still being sold.
On Horsehair Furniture: Needs to be re-covered. Or you could die the whole piece red.
Chopping Onions: I never chop onions when someone else is in the kitchen with me. I only cry when I am alone.
Etiquette
It is essential that we at all times try to be as polite as we can. Not only does this show well breeding, but you never know when you may need to call on someone to be a witness on your behalf.
Neighbors’ Annoying Pets: Try sending the person a note pleading your case. Be sure to write in it that this annoyance is doing something awful to you—such as saying you are a nervous person and the pet makes you so much worse. Then the neighbor will feel guilty if he does not take care of the animal, or will be afraid that you will go over the edge and do some actual damage to him or his household.
Too-Curious Children/Young Adults: If you can afford it, offer to be a benefactor to the little tyke by paying for boarding school or, if older, a college degree. They could be gone for a very long time, if not forever, if they decide not to come back to Fall River. If they won’t go and continue to bother you by hanging around your yard or ringing your doorbell incessantly, a phone call to the local police department is in order—speaking courteously, of course. (Note: You should not offer free schooling to any child calling you witch names.)
Someone Dies in Your House: It could be quite hard to explain to doubters, not to mention embarrassing, should someone happen to pass away in your home. If someone drops by before you have had a chance to call the doctor or undertaker, simply say that the deceased is “sleeping awhile.” (Also makes a cute epitaph on a dog’s grave.)
Answering the Telephone: Always know who is calling before you pick up the telephone. Some day someone may invent something that will do that (a dreamer, aren’t I?). But until that day comes, I do the following. I have only about ten people that I really want to hear from. I ask them that when they call, to please let it ring a certain number of times, hang up, then let it ring that same number of times, hang up, and keep repeating this until I answer. For instance, my attorney gives me one ring, hangs up, rings once again, hangs up, until I pick up. My cousin, Grace, gives me two rings at a time, and so forth.
Once I answered by mistake, but the call ended up being lucrative. An anti-perspirant company wanted to use my photo on their product with me saying “Never let them see you sweat.” Though I dislike the word “sweat,” I agreed to let them use my name. And they agreed to let me use a photo of myself ten years younger, not to mention the payment involved. So one must really use one’s own judgment if one wants to take a chance answering an anonymous call.
Dealing with a Rude Clerk: Should you enter a store and request a product and the clerk refuses to sell it to you, walk out without buying anything else. Always deny you ever patronized the store, so you will not be giving them any free advertising by letting it be known you shop there.
Dealing with Rude Church Parishioners: You could continue to attend the pot lucks only, bringing a dish that is nearly unpalatable. Or, easier yet, change religions.
Dealing with Homosexual Rumors: If a rumor is going around that you are a homosexual, consider the source. If the person is of the same sex and good looking, tell her in confidence that you are and you may get a surprise. If the person is no one you feel attracted to, deny the rumor.
This article was sponsored
by the
Fall River Police Department.
Now Hiring Policemen:
No Experience Necessary.
Free Clambake Every August.
Promotions Given Often.
We Can’t Solve Everything,
But
“We’ll Try”
