Any additional feedback on Denise Noe's fiction and poetry?

[ddnoe]

Does anyone else have a comment on either "The Spurned Lover" or "Dear Abby (Borden)"?
Thanks to anyone who does.

[Richard]

Denise, I keep promising to read the issue and comment, but I've been waiting for the hard copy. That shouldn't stop me from reading poetry, however. I'll get back to you within a couple of days!

[Bob Gutowski]

Denise, to quote David Spencer, composer/lyricist and one of my moderators at the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop, I don't think the long line form of poerty "is your friend." It's hard to keep interest up during the reading of such long lines, and then the story doesn't hold together as well as it might when you end some of these lines with rhyme pairs which don't really rhyme. For example, "tranquility" and Lizzie" only share a final vowel, which is not a rhyme. Nor are "frequency" and Abby" rhymes.

Now, since there are so many "perfect" rhymes elsewhere in the poem (such as "seven" and "heaven," and "sour" and power"), I'm assuming that's what you're shooting for. However, you also have rhyme pairs which don't work because of misaccenting. One set of these would be "Whitehead" and "dead." If the first word were pronounced "WhiteHEAD" it'd be fine using it to set up "dead."

I apologize if I've misunderstood, and you're going for a looser approach, but this doesn't seem to be the case, at least as I read the poem. I also don't mean to sound harsh, but I thought you'd appreciate honesty.

[ddnoe]

Denise, to quote David Spencer, composer/lyricist and one of my moderators at the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop, I don't think the long line form of poerty "is your friend." It's hard to keep interest up during the reading of such long lines, and then the story doesn't hold together as well as it might when you end some of these lines with rhyme pairs which don't really rhyme. For example, "tranquility" and Lizzie" only share a final vowel, which is not a rhyme. Nor are "frequency" and Abby" rhymes.

Now, since there are so many "perfect" rhymes elsewhere in the poem (such as "seven" and "heaven," and "sour" and power"), I'm assuming that's what you're shooting for. However, you also have rhyme pairs which don't work because of misaccenting. One set of these would be "Whitehead" and "dead." If the first word were pronounced "WhiteHEAD" it'd be fine using it to set up "dead."

I apologize if I've misunderstood, and you're going for a looser approach, but this doesn't seem to be the case, at least as I read the poem. I also don't mean to sound harsh, but I thought you'd appreciate honesty.

(Denise) I DO appreciate your honesty and your taking the time to respond even though you have been critical.

[mbhenty]

:,,

[Bob Gutowski]

Yes, I am critical, but I don't condemn - or didn't in this case. Dear Denise, I, perhaps, should have said less, because what I feel really can be summed up in one little phrase: Consistency in form. However, you did make a point of asking for opinions, and so I offered mine.

[mbhenty]

:,,