Dear Abby, February/March, 2004

by Sherry Chapman

First published in February/March, 2004, Volume 1, Issue 1 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby –

My family has moved recently from the south to Fall River.  Needless to say, the winters are far different from what we have known.  We all just sit around and catch each other’s colds.  When one is not sick, what do y’all do to pass the time in these months? —Phlegm Jones, Pleasant Street

Dear Mr. Jones –

Goodness, there are many things to do.  For instance in my household, my husband goes about his daily business routine and enjoys reading the paper.  He loves the snow.  He brings it in for our consumption and washing purposes.  I take advantage of the early sunsets and get to bed earlier – more beauty sleep!    Our servant usually makes hearty hot soups in the summertime.  In winter we are treated to cold cuts and salads.  I am not sure what my oldest step-daughter does.  I think she writes.  I’ve heard her mention something about a “plot”.  And our youngest, Lizzie, likes to go slaying.

Dear Abby –

I am coming to Fall River to see relatives.  I have never visited your town before.  Can you tell me what the best things to see are?—Miss Adelaide Russell, Boston

Dear Miss Russell –

I can think of three.  Herbert Parker, Herbert Parker, and Herbert Parker.

Dear Abby –

I hope that you remember me.  I used to give your step-daughter, Lizzie, piano lessons.  She showed such promise with her music.  I wonder, does she still play?—Dee Myner, June Street

Dear Dee –

Of course I remember you.  I trust that your daughter, Bea, is doing well.  Lizzie has not touched the piano in some years now.  I think it’s a shame.  She is awfully clever with notes.

Dear Abbie Borden –

All across America, people are waiting to hear, “Who will be paid the ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS?”  It can only go one of two ways, Abbie Borden.  And the action you take this very day may be the deciding factor.  Please don’t risk putting ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS into the hands of a complete stranger! If Abbie Borden  returns the winning number before March 6, 1892, Abbie Borden shall be paid one thousand dollars!  Hurry – delay could be costly!  Abbie Borden is the GUARANTEED WINNER … of ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS only if the enclosed entry is the grand prize winner and is returned before the date on the gold seal.  Urgent!  Lift gold seal and affix to Entry-Order Card.  Mail at once!  Otherwise, Abbie Borden would forfeit all claim to this prize, and the entire ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS would have to be awarded to someone else.  If your label contains the winning number, there will be only one thing I can say:  Congratulations, Abbie Borden —the one thousand dollars is yours!—Cordially, Fred McMahon Sr.,  “Tonight” columnist, The Boston Globe

Dear Mr. McMahon –

What can I say?  Thank you!  I will go this afternoon to McWhirr’s and order a new black horsehair sofa for the sitting room, and new carpeting for that room and the guest room.  Thank you so much!  

This edition of Dear Abby

was sponsored by:

J. C. Brady – Druggist

Perfumes!  

Perfumes!  Perfumes!

We opened this morning 

a case of new Perfumes, 

among them being some entirely

NEW ODORS!

Heaven Sent

(our purest rainwater)

Rice & Beans 

(sure to please our Portuguese)

Mutton for Men 

(nuttin’ smells like “Mutton”)

1 Granite Block, 

corner Pocasset St.