Dear Abby, February, 2008

by Sherry Chapman

First published in January/February, 2008, Volume 5, Issue 1, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Mrs. Borden has come down with a bad case of bronchitis, and I have volunteered to devote my time from a tight schedule to fill in for her.  I don’t know but how she got it, as she never goes anywhere.  Maggie, our servant, has said that someone had left the bedroom window open several nights in January, which is right by Mrs. Borden’s face.  Father is only giving me half a house on 3rd Street as an enticement but I assure you, dear reader, I would have done this free of charge.  I enjoy writing about birds and pony carts trying to go down forbidden streets.  Perhaps some day I shall pen a play.  For clarity, and any possible fame, I have used my name in the place of Mrs. B’s.  —Lizzie Andrew Borden

Dear Lizzie,
You were sorely missed at our Christmas luncheon.  Having sent your invitation in November, we thought that we would have gotten some response from you, be it aye or nay.  Perhaps I took too seriously your interest when we spoke at McWhirr’s.  My sincere apology if you never received your card.—Mrs. Caroline Green, President, YMCA of Fall River

Dear Mrs. Green,
Yes!  Mrs. Borden certainly did receive your invitation and when opened complained, “I can’t stand those women.  Why don’t they leave me alone?” She burned your note in the stove, as she does every note anyone sends her.

Dear Lizzie,
Did you see the funny lady, Joan Rivers, when she performed at the Academy last month?  What an incredible evening.  What a delightful new performer!—Definite Fan

Dear Fan,
I hate to tell you this, but my sister, Emma, says she has been around for a long time.

Dear Lizzie,
A friend suggests I direct my daughter toward a romance with a girl to prepare her for marriage.  I have heard many are doing this.  I don’t know what to do.—Unsure Mother

Dear Mother,
It’s absolutely fine, and most beneficial to all.  If you are hesitant to speak to your daughter of such matters, please send her to me.  Tell her to use the side door any evening after ten.

Dear Lizzie,
My mother absolutely forbids my use of ‘toilet water’.  Whenever she catches me with it she throws it away.  Can you please tell her that it is harmless and that she should allow me it?—Mary Dolan, S. Main Street

Dear Mary,
Yes, Mrs. Dolan, it is fine for Mary to use water from the toilet.  I am sure Mrs. Borden uses it daily, and she is not dead yet.

Dear Lizzie,
What did you get and give for Christmas?—Mrs. Harriette Mello

Dear Mrs. Mello,
I got a ruby and amethyst ring out of Father.  Em made me a hand fan out of the pages of Harper’s.  I got a marcasite brooch and a gold pin from Gifford’s. I would have gotten more if the woman in there had not been trailing after me so.  I do hate a persistent sales clerk. Mostly I gave away horse car tickets to my most intimate friends.

Dear Lizzie,
I heard in advance that you would be taking over this issue’s feature. Is there another reason why you dislike your stepmother, other than your father bought her the half house for her half-sister?—Well-Known Attorney, Marion

Dear Sir,
I don’t even know what your name is.  Thus my attorney, Mr. Jennings, has instructed me not to answer your communication.

Dear Lizzie,
I do not like to pry, and I hope this question does not anger you.  If it makes you uncomfortable in any way, please do not answer it.  A friend and I were chatting the other day, and we just wonder if that is all your own hair.—Two Friends in Fall River

Dear Friends,
Why, I do not mind your question at all.  No, it is not all of Mrs. Borden’s real hair.  She is thinning on the top and purchased a false braid to hide the sparseness.  One time it came loose when my Uncle John was visiting, and the cat ran with it out the door.  Luckily for her, Father was coming home and seeing a fur-bearing animal in the cat’s mouth he thought of a cheap dinner, or at least something to throw under the bahn.  He brought the piece back inside and, disappointingly realizing what it was, gave it back to Mrs. Borden.  Since then she has about glued the thing to her head.  It will have to be forcibly chopped off to be removed again, she says.

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