Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in February/March, Volume 2, Issue 1 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
Dear Abby,
Me four year old daughterr is havin trouble drawin pictures. She’s about to start goin to school next year, an I’m concerned she may lag behind th’other wee ones. She seems to have no imagination. Is there something I can
do to help her develop herself in this area?
Mrs. Owen Malone, Eight Rod Way
Dear Mrs. Malone,
I have consulted an expert on your letter—Dr. Seabury Bowen of Second Street. He advises sulphate of morphine, an eighth of a grain. Should this not help, the dose is to be doubled the next day.
Dear Abby,
You seem to bring up Dr. Seabury Bowen quite a bit, as if dropping his name to impress your readers that you know him. Well I happen to have heard him say that you were fat, fleshy, and once when you fainted he could not fit between you and the furniture in order to assist you. Now what do you think of your ‘friend’?
L. B., Fall River
Dear L. B.,
I remember the day I fainted. It is true that Dr. Bowen came over to tend to me. But, Malicious Reader, he did not have his glasses with him that day. His description could not have been accurate. Without them, things appear to be much smaller than they actually are.
Dear Abby,
I have seen your husband, Mr. Andrew Borden, going about town wearing his black woolen Prince Albert coat, in the winter but in the summertime, too. If he keeps this up, he’s going to die! A relative, Fall River
Dear Relative,
Imagine one being so bold as to send a threat by mail, and for publication. My daughter*, Lizzie, tells me that if anything happens to her father this summer she will be sure to inform others of your intentions. * Lizzie has reminded me that she is my step-daughter.
Dear Abby,
I have heard that your eldest step-daughter does not speak to you at all. This must make for a most distressed household. Is it true? Cyrus “Cy” Lent, Flint Village
Dear Cyrus,
I asked Emma. But she didn’t answer.
Dear Abby,
I know you are a cat lover. I am, too. But lately Bootsie won’t stop meowing. There seems to be nothing wrong with her. She just starts when I get up in the morning and keeps it up until night. She is driving me half crazy. What can I do? Clara Hyde, 4th Street
Dear Clara,
I have consulted an expert on your question. I will not mention his name, but he is a most trusted man of medicine. He says to try giving Bootsie an eighth of a grain of morphine, and if the cat keeps crying to double it the next day.
New Book Released—Order Yours Today!
Don’t miss your chance to obtain a copy of the new sure-to-be literary sensation “When Bad Things Happen to Bad People” by our own Miss Lizzie Borden of Fall River. A masterful guide to solving almost any distasteful personal situation you can think of. Here’s what people are saying about it! “The cover is somewhat of a drab color. But the book is very good! Very good indeed!” —Dr. S. Bowen … “Now I know how to deal with whoever’s been stealing stuff out of my store – if I could just find out who it is.” – Mr. McWhirr, Downtown Fall River. “I never did. Read it, that is. But I will! Ouch!”—Bridget Sullivan, Second Street. Subscribe today at Adams Book Store.
This issue of Dear Abby is sponsored by
The Granite Block
This week only: $ale on fireproof safes
In hot new colors!
