Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in April/May, Volume 2, Issue 2 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
(Unfortunately, Mrs. Abby Borden has contracted bronchitis and is unable to write her column for this issue. However, her husband, Andrew Borden, has generously offered his time to fill in for his wife.)
Firstly, I wish to make it clear that I did not volunteer for this letter answering job. ‘Forced’ into it is probably closer to the truth. The fair sex has their ways of withholding, let us say ‘certain pleasures’ to attain their needs (refusal to clean, will not cook favorite dishes, death threats).
Secondly, I will begin each letter with “Dear Andrew” so as not to confuse the reader nor to make myself any more of a laughing stock than my daughter already says that I am. Thirdly, I expect a check, made out to me, upon receipt of this writing. With this in mind, I shall proceed. – A. J. Borden / witnessed: Andrew J. Jennings
Dear Andrew —
We have an indoor modern toilet in our home. From time to time it will give us problems, and we try our best to fix it. Is there some professional person that we could contact the next time it is needed? —The Plummer family, June Street
Dear Plummers —
So, this modern convenience you have spent untold dollars for is not giving you its money’s worth? I suggest you get rid of the nuisance completely, and go back to the tried and true privy. That will never back up on you. And thank you for writing. I will bring this to my daughters’ attention upon publication.
Dear Andrew —
What is the best way to dust on top of tall furniture? I know people will not see the dust, but I will know it is there. And in this mill environment I think we need all do our best to control any debris we can in our homes. —Mrs. Carrie Hathaway, Fall River
Dear Mrs. Hathaway —
I know not of such matters as household cleaning. So I asked our servant girl your question. She says the best way to dust on top of tall furniture is: “Don’t.”
Dear Andrew —
My wife is always putting good seed and suet out for the birds. We have meager meals and are lucky to afford what we do have. I have asked her to stop it but she pays me no mind. Is there some way I can get her to quit this practice of waste? —Hypolite Gardner, Swansea
Dear Mr. Gardner —
You are the head of the household, and your wife apparently is not understanding this. I would use a method that will both stop her from this feeding of the birds and will make her realize who the boss in your home is. Get rid of the birds. Permanently. Take a small hatchet to them, and those that try to fly away can be caught and their heads twisted off with little effort. Put all in a basket and present them for her to cook. She will be so sickened by this act I see as necessary, that she will never again encourage birds to your yard. (Do not expect the birds for supper, though.)
Dear Andrew —
I do not mean to insult you, but I have heard the most horrid rumor about your Andrew, and I thought it best to clear this up here, since I don’t believe a word of it. Abby, they say that when your husband was in the undertaking business he would cut the feet off of bodies so they would fit in smaller, less expensive coffins. Now please tell me this is not true. —Horrified on the Hill
Dear ‘Horrified’ —
You must be confused. I have no husband.
Dear Andrew –
Is it true that the Birch property is finally up for sale? I heard it was going pretty cheap. I’ve been waiting years for this! —William S. Borden, Taunton
Dear Mr. Borden —
Why, no. That property is not for sale. Well, I have time for just one more letter, then I must see Charles Cook on some business that just came up.
Dear Andrew —
Greetings, Mr. Borden. I heard you were going to fill in for the Mrs. this issue. Seems Abby was in my office a few weeks ago, and I forgot to jot down her age and her weight. Perhaps you would know so I am able to complete her chart? —Many Thanks, Lizzie … won’t erase … Lizzie, you must stop by more often. —Dr. Bowen
Dear Seabury —
I don’t know why you could not have walked across the street and asked. But this is an easy letter, unlike some of these, and I’m sure Abby will be happy I saved her the trouble of making yet another call on you. She is 64 and weighs some over 200 pounds.
This issue of Dear Abby is sponsored by
Highly recommended by Mr. Andrew J. Borden!
