Dear Abby, Spring, 2009

by Sherry Chapman

First published in Spring, 2009, Volume 6, Issue 1, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby,
Do you believe that a person can foretell the future?—Hortense Cobb, June Street

Dear Hortense,
Oh, absolutely, my dear. It’s been proven beyond my satisfaction many a time. My sister, Mrs. Priscilla Fish, out in Hartford, Connecticut? Her neighbor, a Mrs. Chumly – had the most peculiar eyes. Staring, they were. Even when she wasn’t staring, if you can picture that. Mrs. Chumly was known as far as the next street over as a fortuneteller. Ever since once she suddenly stood up in the middle of a sewing circle, needle still in hand, mind you – needle still in hand – and said that Abraham Lincoln was going to be assassinated. Well, the chill that went through that sewing circle was visible as the wind blew in an open window that the tenants had tried stuffing cardboard in for the winter months. Why it chose that moment to dislodge puzzled the ladies for quite a long time. And, of course, Mr. Lincoln was assassinated only three years later. Eerie. Downright eerie, is what.

Dear Abby,
Please settle a small wager that a friend and I have made. Is your daughter, Lizzie, left-handed or right-handed? I could swear I saw her signing in at the gymnasium with her left hand a few weeks ago. Is she left-handed?—Dr. Wm. Dolan

Dear Dr. Dolan,
Right.

Dear Abby,
I am interested to know what relatives your servant girl, Bridget, has in this country, preferably any that she has never seen in person before. I cannot tell you why I would like to know. It is a surprise.—Mrs. Nellie McHenry, Newspaper Writer

Dear Mrs. McHenry,
Let me see. I have heard her mention Sweet Mary before and a Joseph. Also someone named Pshaw. But she has never spoken of visiting them and none of them have come to the house before.

Dear Abby,
You come to my restaurant, many time. You and Mr. Borden good customers. You order double portions and husband always pay in cash. You nice to us and every time we see you coming, staff hurry to get big table ready and find oversize chair. Husband not know what tip is, though. I try tell him it customary to give tip after meal in China. So he look away like he thinking and say to me, “Don’t play with matches.” I look at him. He look at me. I just go back to kitchen. But you such good customers, I no talk to him about tip no more. I write because I hear bad talk about you from other, not good, customer. I not hear all the talk because I not at their table long time like when I am serving you. I hear them say you crazy lady. I sorry to be one to tell you this, but that is what I hear.—Hung Lee, Hung Lee’s Chinese, 804 New Boston Road, Fall River, Noon – 9 pm Monday thru Sunday, Pepper Steak – One Dollar, Egg Rolls – 3 cents, Specials every Friday and Saturday. Fresh seafood. Best Chinese this side of Taunton River.

Dear Hung,
My dear friend, thank you for your kindness and loyalty, unnecessary though it may be. To the persons that made the caustic comment, I must say, “No” – I am not crazy. My alienist says so.

Dear Abby,
Is Lizzie gay?—Unsure on the Horse Cars

Dear Unsure,
Well, I certainly hope so. The poor child has been through enough trauma in her lifetime. She deserves to be happy, and I’ve seen no sign otherwise.

Dear Abby,
I’m writin’ this because I don’t want to run the risk of others in the household hearin’ me. Mrs. Borrden, people are treatin’ me like I exaggerate things. They are always tellin’ me I tell a tall tale. I canna go on like this. Seems every thyme I say somethin’ I’m called a liar.—Bridget Sullivan

Dear Bridget,
Well, I just can’t believe that!

Dear Abby,
My cat, Ginger, swallowed two coins. I asked the veterinarian what to do, and he just said to leave her alone. What do you think I could do, Abby?—Elsie Corruthers, Steepbrook

Dear Elsie,
The vet is correct. Relax, dear. It will all come out fine in the end.

THIS ISSUE OF DEAR ABBY

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