Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in November/December, 2008, Volume 5, Issue 4, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
Dear Abby,
What ever happened to the Fall River Tribune? —Reader in Steepbrook
Dear Reader,
The paper folded.
Dear Abby,
What are those ugly things called that come out in the summer and hang around the windows, that rush in your house as soon as the door is opened? —Mrs. S. T., Fourth Street
Dear Mrs. S.T.,
Those would be the Churchills. They are pests. I seldom talk to them if I can help it.
Dear Abby,
Do you have a rat? A friend of mine was in your house and said you do. —Lucy Macomber, High Street
Dear Lucy,
No. I keep a cat around to make sure our house is rodent-free.
Dear Abby,
Did your husband name Andrew Jennings in his will? —A.J. on ‘The Hill’
Dear A.J.,
No. I think his parents did when he was born.
Dear Abby,
In, uh, Japan my mother always wore a special dusting outfit when she did her housework. From head to toe she was covered in something or other, quite colorful and a vision of beauty even as she went through her daily tasks. This led me to wonder what an average American woman, well, let’s say you. What do you wear when you dust? —Oshea Owltonkna
Dear Oshea,
I am growing quite fond of you, my little friend from Japan! You ask the most interesting questions. When I dust, I wear a dress; that is, my morning calico. I would not wear it out on the street. Stockings and shoes, of course. Sometimes I wear something on my head and sometimes I don’t. If it is nearing the month I wash my hair, then I do not bother to cover it.
Dear Abby,
Have you seen those crazy new Magic 8 Balls that supposedly tell your future? And if so, what do you think of them? —Samuel Kirby, Westport
Dear Samuel,
Ask again later.
Dear Readers,
I have rushed through my column, so excited am I to relay this newsy item to you. There is to be a celebration beyond any of our wildest dreams in commemoration of Columbus’s discovery of America. This unprecedented event will be called ‘The Columbian Exposition’—The World’s Fair in Chicago. Mr. Julian Ralph of the New York Sun has already written a booklet on it to prepare us for this spectacle to come. There will be a Ferris Wheel—a monstrous wheel with compartments for people to sit in to ride around the whole wheel. There has never been anything like it before. It will be far grander than the World’s Fair last year, wherever that was. Almost every country in the world will be represented either in a building or a village. There really is far too much to go into here. But some of you may be asking, ‘How will I ever get to go? I cannot afford such a trip.’ Ah! Here’s where you might be wrong.
Our paper is sponsoring a contest, and the winner will receive a free trip to the Columbian Exposition. It is supposed to be held in the summer of 1892, but there is so much to do it may not open until the summer of 1893. If you are the winner of our contest, please make sure you read our paper to be sure you are going the right year.
I do not know how the contest works. You are supposed to send in receipts of some kind to us, and the one with the most wins? That makes sense. There is a second place prize, too, which I think is another trip to the exposition. And if you win, you can decline your prize if you wish to for some unknown reason. I know no one in this household would ever do that!
So watch our paper, and do pick up a copy of Julian Ralph’s lovely programme. Though I have not seen it yet, I am to say it is fantastic and well worth the price.
See you at the fair!
THIS ISSUE OF DEAR ABBY
IS SPONSORED BY
