Dear Abby, August, 2008

by Sherry Chapman

First published in August/September, 2008, Volume 5, Issue 3, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.

Dear Abby,
Is there something going on between you and Uncle John?—Glen ‘Joe’ Carlson, Iron Mountain, Michigan

Dear Glen,
I hope not! He does take my breath away, but not in any romantic scents. 

Dear Abby,
Who is your daughter, Lizzie, dating? When I ask her, she will not answer me but only smile. If she wants it kept private, I don’t want do pry.—Lucy Cahoon, Fall River

Dear Lucy,
Too bad. There have been many a time when Lizzie has told things about me in this column when she has volunteered to substitute for me, which will never happen again, I assure you. She has been seeing a lineman who boards on Hall Street named Bill Hacking. We may be hearing wedding bells soon. I heard her tell sister, Emma, that she would love to carry his last name and then laughed with sheer happiness.

Dear Abby,
Are there more photos of you than the wedding photo and the one taken earlier this year?—Steffalee Kooreygan, PhD (photographer in high demand), Swansea

Dear Steffalee,
Oh, yes. There is a whole box full here. Lizzie took them and said she was going to put each one in a gold frame. She hasn’t finished yet. It must be quite a job, as she’s been at it since 1887. I saw one near the privy in the basement. I think she is working on the project down there so she has more room.

Dear Abby,
How would you like to be remembered?—L.A.B., on the Hill (soon)

Dear LAB,
Oh, I suppose that I was a good wife and a kind step-mother. That I baked a good apple pie (but not giving away my secret ingredient of rose water). That I was a good housekeeper and that I am quite thin, considering I lost 100 pounds from illnesses throughout the year. I do abhor just initials on a gravestone. Above all else, to have my name spelled out on it is important to me. But there is no reason to hurry. I’ve a long time yet before I need to think of such things.

Dear Abby,
Mrs. Borden: If it is between 9:30 am and 10:30 am on Thursday, August 4, my good woman—do not walk, but RUN to the window, throw it open and SCREAM!!!—O. Siahay Owltonkna

Dear Owltonkna,
How nice to hear from you again – all the way from Japan! What is this? Open the window and scream? Why, this must be one of those exotic Japanese morning exercises I have heard about from Southard Miller’s son, Franklin’s, travels to the Orient. All right. I shall do it right n werotiuweowej

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DEAR READERS: I have entered the guestchamber where Mrs. Borden was finishing her column, and found her lying face down on the floor. Obviously, a heat stroke, as one can see by her typing above roaming off and making no sense. Knowing she needs to get this to the post office soon, I thought I would take it upon myself to do her the favor of finishing and taking it downstreet. Then I will come back and examine her, within an hour or two. I am confident that she is in no immediate danger.—Dr. Seabury W. Bowen, City Physician