Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in December/January, 2004-2005, Volume 1, Issue 6, The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
Dear Abby,
I have heard tell that you get your answers to these letters by using one of those Magic 8 Balls. Is this true? – Skeptic in Somerset
Dear Skeptic,
Ask again later.
Dear Abby,
Is the Chinese laundry near your residence an opium den? – Marshall Rufus Hilliard, Fall River
Dear Marshall Hilliard,
No, it is not. And may I say that you are quite obnoxious to presume that just because a business is Chinese, they have an opium den in the back.
Why, every time I go there to drop something special off, they are the kindest persons you could ever hope to meet. In fact, I never fail to leave there without feeling euphoric. They make me feel so good, with their smiling faces and happy dispositions, I find myself wanting to go in there more and more.
Dear Abby,
I am engaged to be married and am terribly worried. I am afraid of what my new husband will do in the, the marriage bed. I am afraid of the, the “touching” I hear of that goes on. I don’t know if I am quite ready for it. – Florence Penmark, Home for the Aged, Fall River
Dear Florence,
Relax, my dear. These tall tales you’ve been listening to are just that. I have been sharing a bed with Mr. Borden all our married life, and he has not touched me once in 26 years.
Dear Abby,
I bought a can of Mussleman’s applesauce last week at the grocer’s. When I opened it up, I was scalded. The contents were near boiling! Is there any explanation for it? – Burned in New Bedford
Dear Burned – Yes. Most of Mussleman’s products are hot.
Dear Abby,
I’ve been feelin’ poorly all day. I just feel sick all over. Never have I felt such pain in my life. I feel like – yes, I feel like I’ve been poisoned! Oh, Abby, what should I do? – Elizabeth Varnum, Third Street
Dear Elizabeth,
I know what you mean, dear lady. I advise you to walk – no, run to your doctor’s house right away. At first he may just pat you on your hand and tell you you are just having a bout of summer complaint. Be firm and don’t let him turn you away. Insist that he send your stomach in for testing at Harvard. They will be able to tell for sure if you have been poisoned.
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