Sherry Chapmanby Sherry Chapman
First published in August/September, Volume 2, Issue 4 of The Hatchet: Journal of Lizzie Borden Studies.
(This edition of ‘Dear Abby’ is being written by Mrs. Borden’s younger step-daughter, Lizzie A. Borden. Apparently Mrs. Borden had a note from someone in town who is sick and could not tend to her column as usual this morning. You may know Miss Lizzie as a kind, Christian, church-going girl who is affiliated with many church activities. She is well-travelled and well-read, and she may write such a lovely column for her step-mother that she may be remembered long afterwards for the work she does today. All letters were written to Abby Borden, and we shall keep with that form so as not to confuse the reader.)
Dear Abby –
Have you ever taken the Grand Tour? – Minnie Tripp, Swansea
Dear Minnie –
No, I have not. My step-daughter, Lizzie, took the trip in 1890 – much against my wishes. It’s obvious she is somewhat bored in Fall River, due to her many, many talents – most of which have no place to thrive in our city. I do not believe I will be taking the Grand Tour myself, tho Mr. Borden will be giving Lizzie the money to be going again soon.
Dear Abby –
Since there are four women in your household, what share of the chores do you do? – A. Churchill, Second Street
Dear Mrs. Churchill –
I sit on my ass.
Dear Abby –
Did you ever find out who committed that daylight robbery in your home last summer? Your husband called off the investigation saying that the real thief would never be caught. – Water Jug Talk down at the Police Station
Dear Policeman –
I am glad you asked that question, as it gives me a chance to clear this up. I myself staged the robbery for attention. My step-daughter, Lizzie, was so smart in looking for clews and she quite nearly figured out it was me. I can assure everyone I will never do something like that again.
Dear Abby –
I have heard it said that sometimes you spell your name “Abbie”. Your name has only been spelled “A –b- b- y”, hasn’t it? – Collector, Downtown Fall River
Dear Collector –
I was so christened.
Dear Abby –
Sometimes my Donald comes home from the mill with such a head ache. What is it you do, Abby, when you get a bad one? – Ruby on Rock Street
Dear Ruby –
I lay down. I really have no choice about it.
Dear Readers – I regret that I can not answer another letter this morning. The heat up here is stifling, and my arms ache from this unaccustomed typing. I think I heard Mrs. Borden come in. Regardless, I hear Father having a fit trying to get in the front door. – L. A. Borden
